My life and stuff

Chapter 10

Well I had a sh.it day. I woke up late since my alarm didn't want to go off. I almost made my little sister late (since our schools are so close my dad just drives us both. I get a free ride and save time so why wouldn't I). It was fuc.ken freezing today so I had to wear the sweater I wore yesterday again since I own very few fall/winter clothes and am too broke. I got there and everything was fine.

Music: I never thought I would say this but I hate this class. I'm always tired here (no sh.it it's the beginning of the day and I'm basically half asleep. I tried to turn in a project I've been working on for a month  and he wouldn't accept it since it "wasn't exactly the same as the composition." Ugh I am just really annoyed a feel a bit of tears coming. Wow, and I thought I would look forward to this class.

English: Boring but not bad. I basically got to work with my new friend, Ari, the whole time and it was great. We talked about mental health and how we both have had/have  diagnosed deppression. TRIGGER WARNING FOR MENTAL ISSUES I didn't tell her about my history with self mutilation. I;ve only told two of my friends, and one of them has been through it themselves, the other one has had many friends go through it. She's glad I have a different mentality. Instead of giving into the urge like I used to do I now think of how I would negatively affect other people if I did this. My friend seemed to be dare I say heartbroken about self harm and how it has hurt her since she doesn't want to see her friends feel that bad and do that to themselves. When my mom found out she looked heartbroken and scared, really scared. I never want to see that look on hr face again, where she looks absolutely broken and can't stop crying, all because of what I did. My dad was fidgety and nervous when he saw the one time  (I'm not getting too gory) I had actual dried blood near essential veins on my arms. He looked relieved since he's good with bodies and anatomy, he said judging by where the marks where I could've bled to death and not have even known better. So that's just a few reasons why I stopped. I'm not saying that if you do this that you're weak or inconsiderate or anything. But please talk to someone. It's scary, I know. But you can PM me, talk to a staff member at school, your relative, best friend, etc. Know that other people do care about you, even if you don't believe that. Sorry, I'm getting a bit off topic. END OF TRIGGER WARNING.

Study hall: WOOHHH I GOT SHIT DONE!

Spanish: I swear I almost fell asleep. Luckily the teacher gave us some answers for two assignments, so I have less homework now. Nothing exciting, just note taking.

Lunch: Another boring part of my day. I didn't know where to sit.  I usually sit outside but it's freezing so I awkwardly went to the library with a friend. Then we went to the band hall and sat on the floor while I read some phanfic. It was so awkward I hated it. 

History: I forgot my notebook and it was awkward. 'Nuff said.

Finally school is over

I'm walking to the parking lot where my dad picks me up. Usually there's a little row of cars so I look there. I check my phone and he tells me he's parked around there. I look around and see nothing. I walk and look with my headphones in. I turn the music down and take one out. Still no sign of him. Finally I see him waving at me angrily. I dash over and he says he's been screaming for me. And he's loud. I'm about to cry again since now the whole school knows just how stupid I am.

I'm home and now I'm just lying in bed, the urge to cry but feeling to numb like no tears could come out. I've been here for half an hour and now I'm stressing over how much precious homework time I'm missing.

Yuck now I gotta pretend that I'm happy but I'm not. At all. I feel like someone is watching me. But no one is here and I live in a safe neighborhood.

YESSS I MADE IT TO DAN'S NEWEST LIVE STREAM OH MY GOD THIS MADE MY DAY WAY BETTER!

Great, mom's home and she's in a mood. This is exactly what I needed.

Oh okay now my parents are talking about how great my sister is because she does sports and she is in a club so she is obviously their favorite.

Now they're interogating me about doing a sport or a club or some sort of activity.

Yeah I am a failure since I haven't picked up my beloved guitar in months. Even though I got a list of instructors I don't have the "initiative" and I'm "lazy." I feel like killing myself, it'll make their lives easier.

Now my mom is shouting at me to do a sport. She never fucking listens to me, she just shouts, it's always just yelling between us. No listening, hell I'm not listening to her right now.

I go back to my desk and just stare at the wall. It feels like I just ran a marathon, heart pounding, sweating, heavy breathing, trembling, dizzy enough to feel like I just got off a rollercoaster.

I burst into tears and desprately attempt to wipe away my mascara. I just sit and cry, it sounds like I'm wheezing. I calm down soon enough. I feel better.

Wow homework done alrighty.

Never mind, sad me is gone. Sad me, never heard of her. New mood, who dis. Mmmm dinner was amazing, I'm so glad my dad is cooking. I missed it, he used to cook all the time when I was little.

I managed to talk to my mom for half an hour. I told her how I cried spontaneously 3 times today, my negative thoughts to myself, how shitty I felt. She thinks I just need to think postitively. I will once I find the button in my brain. I would ask her for therapy, but I'm too scared to. She'll think I'm overreacting, which I probably am. But I feel better now. And sleepy. Good night