Jaspar One Shots

No.5 Pain & Suffer Don't Buffer

A/N: Just randomly thought of the title and was like, "Hey, I could write a one shot about this."

Summary: Joe is being tortured everyday by the voices in his head. Caspar just happens to stumble across Joe.

Warnings: Sad, POTENTIAL TRIGGER WARNINGS, not really a Jaspar one shot.

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Joe's POV

I honestly don't know when it all started. One day I'm my normal self, all cheery and happy and bubbly. The next, I'm squeezing the fat on my stomach and crying. Images of me going into the kitchen to grab a knife and cut the skin off flashed in my mind.

I semi-consciously walked towards the kitchen. Part of my brain was telling me that what I was about to do was stupid. The other part was saying that I deserved pain. I listened to the part of my brain that told me what I was about to do was stupid. 

That was the first night. There were many nights where I would think about taking a knife through my heart. I used to think that this was normal, that everyone wanted to die at some point in their lives. I convinced myself that I wasn't depressed or suicidal, it was just a phase.

Ten years later and I'm still telling myself that it's just a phase. It will get better, won't it? The voice in my head tells me otherwise. The voice in my head, it's my voice, telling me to end my life.

There are multiple times when I cross a bridge, and I look down and wonder what would happen if I jumped. The voice would tease me and say things like "Don't be a coward, it won't hurt if you drown. And if you're lucky, you'll hit your head on a rock and die instantly." 

I often ask myself, "Should I tell anyone about this?" But I always convince myself not to. Nobody would care. My parents don't care what I do anymore. The "friends" I have don't even talk to me. They'd invite me to a party, take a picture with me to post on their Snap story, then ditch me. They're all moving on with their lives and I'm going in the opposite direction. Sometimes I give them hints, like I'll say, "I just want to die" and they'd be like, "Me too!" They think I'm joking, but I'm not. But I can't bring myself to do it.

"Hey, may I sit here?" a guy asked. I was currently sitting in a cozy cafe, staring off into space, wondering if you could remove hormones. I wish I could. Then I wouldn't have to feel anything.

"Yeah, of course you can," I smiled brightly. I guess it's true what they say. The people who seem the most happy are the saddest.

"Thanks. I'm sorry for intruding in your space. I just didn't know where to sit and I thought that I'd make a new friend," the guy beamed.

"No worries. It's fine," I assured. 

"My name is Caspar Lee, I'm from South Africa, if you couldn't tell," the man, Caspar, introduced himself.

"Hello, my name is Joseph Sugg, but I prefer to be called Joe. How are you today?" I asked politely.

"I'm doing great, Joe. How about yourself?" Caspar asked back.

"I'm fine," I fake smiled. Caspar's smile immediately dropped after I responded and a small frown took place. Then his face turned quite serious and I was a tad bit afraid, if I'm honest.

"That's a lie, Joe. You're not fine. I know we just met, but, tell me the truth. How are you truly feeling?" Caspar questioned.

I swallowed a tiny bit and put on my best confused face. I even tilted my head a bit for extra effect. "What do you mean? I didn't lie to you, I'm doing just fine."

Caspar shook his head, "I know you're not fine, Joe. You're wringing your hands together like your anxious for something. You gave me a fake smile when you said you were fine. And earlier you were staring off into space with a sad, hopeless look on your face. Please, I want to know, what's going through that beautiful head of yours?"

I don't know what made me do it, but I told him. Maybe it's because it seems like he cares about me. Or because he indirectly called me beautiful, which sent shivers throughout my body. Either way, I told him.

"I was thinking about getting rid of my hormones," I answered truthfully. I didn't say I was going to tell him everything. Just what I wanted him to know.

"Why?" Caspar asked, confused. And just like that, I broke. Why? I couldn't tell you. Maybe it's because nobody has ever thought to ask me how I was feeling. Maybe it's because when I say I'm fine, they believe me. Maybe it's because someone cares.

"Because I don't want to feel anymore. I hate feeling. If I didn't feel anything, I could be happy, even if I couldn't feel it, because all I feel is pain. I feel pain whenever my parents go out with their friends all the time, never doing anything with me anymore. I suffer when I'm with my so called friends, because every time I'm with them I take one picture and I'm forgotten. I feel both pain and suffer when I'm alone with me and my thoughts. All I want to do is get a razor and cut deep into my skin and cut all of my fat out. I want to drive a knife straight through my heart. Put a gun towards my head and pull the trigger. The voice in my head constantly taunts me, and I can't make it stop. Contrary to what people believe, pain and suffer don't buffer."

Tears were spilling out of Caspar's eyes as he said, "Joe, why do you keep these things to yourself?" 

"Because I don't want to trouble anybody. Besides, it's just a phase. It will go away. It's only been ten years, it will go away," I said, whispering that last part.

"Joe, you're silently suffering, and I don't want you to," Caspar answered.

You're not silently suffering. You've been trying to tell your family and friends but they never listen. Caspar will be the same way. In fact, just go home, and shoot yourself you worthless cunt.  

"I'm sorry Caspar, but I got to go now," I apologized.

"What? Why? Joe, where are you going?" Caspar asked, panic evident in his voice.

"Doing what my voice is telling me to do," I answered simply.

"What did you tell yourself to do?" 

Suddenly, my body didn't belong to me. The voice in my head has finally taken over. I could still think, but I no longer had control. What came out of my mouth was my voice but not me, if that makes any sense.

"That I'm really tired and need to go in a long and well deserve sleep. Bye, Caspar," I said.

"Joe!" Caspar called out, but it sounded muffled. Then for a split second I had full control and I turned around and said to Caspar,

"I love you." Even though we just met, I knew I was in love with him. My stupid hormones said so. Then just like that, I was no longer in control. But not before I heard Caspar say,

"I love you too, Joe." He didn't run after me, and that's what hurt the most.

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"Joseph Sugg was found dead inside his home on January 23, 2016. The cause of death seems to be a gunshot wound to the heart. Doctors say that this was a suicide case. Reason of death is unknown."

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"Caspar Lee was found dead on top of Joseph Sugg's grave, January 23, 2016. The cause of death seems to be because of tendons snapping in his heart. Doctors say it was most likely a case of a broken heart. A letter has been found in the hands of Caspar that has been meant for Joseph Sugg. Under Federal Law, we are not allowed to announce what was in the letter. We ourselves don't know. Authorities have buried it."

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Dear Joe, 

I know that it will definitely be too late by the time I get to you. I wanted you to know that I did run after you, but I soon lost you in the crowded London streets. I knew you weren't okay. I'm sorry that nobody noticed sooner. I'm writing this to you just in case you survive, because if you do, I want you to know that you had someone who cared for you. 

Love, Caspar XOXO

P.S. I see that I didn't get to you in time. I have failed you. But don't worry my love, I coming for you soon.

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A/N: So......this happened. Don't worry, there won't be many of these sad one shots. I like to keep things on the positive side!