Deception

Chapter 35

35 days before

I wish I could say this isn't what you think it is, but it is, and I'm tired of lying. So I'd appreciate if you folded this back up and put it down and maybe stop crying, if you are, that is. I wouldn't want to cause more damage and I am now thinking that maybe this wasn't the best way to not do that. Haha. So could you please? I know I've always expected too much from you, and I'm sorry for that, honestly, but maybe just this one last time. You can forget about me and everyone tied to me and go to MIT and find someone really cute and happy and deserving of you (someone who isn't me). Maybe she could be blonde with a tattoo or a lip piercing instead and bright, bright blue eyes or brown eyes (I know how you love brown eyes). Just anyone who isn't me. I can't imagine how it feels to be left behind like this, I'm sorry. But if you're holding my hand, let go. And if you're checking for a pulse, stop. And if you are still crying, stop that right now because I know your eyes are going to be that really light, almost clear, blue color and you aren't going to be smiling and I hate that I've possibly done that. (How embarrassing would it be if you weren't even crying in the first place? Wow.) But, yeah, this is what you think it is. A crappy goodbye on some ripped paper from my old Sociology notebook written with that old black pen you left at my house (it had like no ink left so I'd be surprised if there were actual words here since everything's kind of blurry). Sorry. There's no explanation that won't make me sound like a complete and total dick. So maybe I could make you smile. You remember that one time in Calculus II when someone put the tack on Kia's chair and she screamed so loud Ms. Ford told her this wasn't her bedroom? I hope you're smiling because you were practically crying when that happened and if you aren't I'd probably be dying of embarrassment (pun sort of intended). But now I have nothing else to say except I love you (yes I said it. I said it and I am a complete and total dick for waiting until now, I love you with everything I've ever had.) Au revoir. See you wherever we end up. :)

I woke with a start, tears wetting my cheeks and a weak scream on my lips. I quickly silenced it, but not quickly enough to have Alex not hear. Her eyes darted open and she sat up, leaning over me. She swiped a thumb across my cheek with sympathy in her tired eyes. She stifled a yawn before she kissed a trail from the tip of my nose to my forehead. "Another nightmare?" she quietly asked, the touch of her lips barely on my skin. I nodded and she wove her arms around me into what I thought was a hug. "Don't cry."

I didn't listen to her, no matter how hard I tried, which wasn't that hard. She just hugged me tighter, repeating that she loved me and it was just a dream. Her words turned into lazy murmurs and soft kisses until she fell back asleep. I buried my face in the pillow until I couldn't remember the way the paper felt in my hands and I forced myself to my feet. I watched her for a few more seconds, waiting for her to open her eyes. She pulled the sheets over her half naked body, pointing to my shirt on the floor. I pulled it over my head, brushing a strand of hair from her forehead before I left.

My eyes were substantially less red after I washed my face, tear stains somewhat invisible. I sighed, gripping the the sink until my breath steadied, trying in vain to forget it, brushing my teeth until the white toothpaste turned pink. I couldn't possibly even think about going back to sleep and she was probably awake. I needed to see that for myself.

I opened the bedroom door, letting out a breath I hadn't planned to hold when I saw her hanging upside down from the bed. Her eyes flickered from her phone to me, a slight smiling crossing her face. "You just woke up? You know it's almost three, right?" Her groggy morning voice spread a certain warmth throughout me, as did the brightness of her eyes and her light pink lips as they chided me.

She practically spilled out of the red bra she was wearing, her legs crossed at the knee above her. Her hair brushed the floor beneath her, one of her hands clutching her phone and the other between her legs. She rolled over on her stomach, wriggling farther up the bed, the dip of her back almost unrealistic. "How was your night?"