Forgetting Love

18

I once heard that crying when upset is a phenomena that we don't completely understand. Whether or not this is true, I don't know. I just think it's strange, something I've done so much is a mystery to the scientific world.

At least I won't be doing that anymore.

It feels like I'm laying on a cloud. It's so soft, like I could just fall in it and stay there forever. I still can't open my eyes, but I'm liking this already. It's just so peaceful.

I'm actually happy. It's been so long since I've felt this good. Slowly, I begin wake up. Out of routine, I stretch my tired body. Everything is going good until my arm gets stopped. Weird.

I hate to be constrained for obvious reasons. Heaven shouldn't like this. It is supposed to be happy, not scary. My heartbeat picks up- wait. My heartbeat? That isn't right, unless...

I suddenly become conscious of something very familiar. Back and forth, back and forth.

I snap my eyes open. No, I'm supposed to be dead. Above me is the all too familiar white ceiling of my room on the boat. It's dark in here. The lights are off. What little light in the room comes from the small window provided by the moon outside. How did this happen?

I cough, my mouth dry. My right arm has fallen asleep from being held up. I look behind me, I've been handcuffed to the bed. Cloths have been wrapped around the cold metal so it doesn't hurt my bandaged wrist too much. They are both dressed in a white gauze and are extremely sore. What is that? I squint and my eyes go wide when I see the needle placed in my skin. An IV line. This makes it very painful to move my arm. I've always hated needles, and now there is one stuck in me.

I'm on bed rest, I guess. I couldn't leave this bed even if I tried. I sigh and examine my other wrist. No needles or cuffs, that's a good sign. Fresh gauze covers where I cut myself. It's on there good and tight. Besides, I don't really want to see the scar anyways.

I place my hand on my stomach. It looks like it's just me and you again, I think to my baby. I wonder if she or he will ever forgive me. Or if they even know. I know I'd be pretty ticked if my mom tried offing me before I was even born. Maybe this was a mistake-

"You're awake," Chris says from the shadows surprising me. Quickly I move my hand. I thought I was alone. It shouldn't surprise me he's here. My guess is he probably never left my side. He sounds exhausted. "You've been asleep 2 days," he yawns.

All I do lately is sleep it seems like. "Why am I here?" My voice is croaky from lack of use.

He doesn't answer me. "Why did you do it?" He sounds hurt. I don't really have an answer for him. I can't tell him the truth, it pains me too much. "Am I that bad? I try, you know, I really do. All I want is for you to be happy. I give you everything I can."

"But I don't want any of it," I say lamely. It's a sorry excuse for why I would want to kill myself. Anyone in there right mind would know that I'm lying, including Chris.

"I'm not stupid, Morgan. You were fine before. What made you want to kill yourself?"

I'm not going to tell him. Trying to keep this baby a secret will be hard, but I'm going to do it as long as I can. I shrug, "I don't know."

"Come on," he says agitated. "You can tell me. I just want to know."

I shake my head, "Why am I cuffed to the bed?" I try to change the subject. His prodding is getting really annoying.

"If you're stuck to the bed, you can't hurt yourself. There's nothing you can use, I already checked. I'm not letting you go until you tell me what happened, and even then it might take me some time. I can't lose you. Not again. You scared me the other day. I just can't figure out why you did it."