Forgetting Love

28

I refuse to look at Matt. He hurt me too much. He just abandoned me in that hospital room when I really needed him. I cried for hours after he left. I felt so alone.

He said he loved me and would never leave me, but he turned his back on me almost as soon as he could. There's a reason I haven't answered, or even looked at, any of his texts or calls. He didn't care enough about me to stay so why should I care enough about him to answer?

What comes around goes around.

Why would Caleb do this to me? We were having a really good brother sister moment, and then he had to go and ruin it. Other than Chris and Danny, Matt is the last person I want to be with. Gosh, why does life hate me so much? Can't I just have an easy, drama free day?

I guess not. A new problem stares me in the face everyday. Today is worse than others. The only thing that could make this worse is if Chris broke out.

"Morgan, I-" Matt starts.

"Don't. Just don't," I say stopping him. I still won't look at him. If I do, I know I'll let my walls break. "I don't want your apologies. It won't make up for you leaving like that."

"I'm not here to say sorry. It wouldn't make a difference. You'd still be mad at me anyways. I came to tell you that I understand what happened. Why you're like this," he says.

Finally, I look at him. "And what am I like?" I reply coldly. "You don't know me at all."

"I do know you. You're hostile to everyone. You're hurting, Morgan." He sits beside me. I shoot up from my seat and walk away from him. He sighs frustrated. "You refuse to admit it, but you feel for Chris. You feel for the life you could've had with him. It's the only thing you knew for months."

"That's not it," I argue.

"Then what is it?" He asks challenging me.

"You wouldn't understand," I say giving him the cold shoulder. He wouldn't. No one would. They'll just label me as crazy and move on.

"I think I could if you gave me the chance. Please, I'm not here to fight with you," he pleads.

"Fine," I sigh. He's right. Fighting is getting us nowhere. We'll keep pushing away from each other. "Have you ever sat in a room for months and just thought about your future?" I ask him.

"Well, not exactly. I mean, I'll think about my future every now and then but not all the time," he's at least making an attempt to understand me. It's hard for me to say this. No one else knows. "What did you see?" He asks after I'm quiet for awhile.

I'm not going to look at him or else I'll break down. "For months, I thought you were dead. I tried to see my future, but the problem is, I didn't see anything. All I saw was an empty loneliness. I was scared that I was doomed to be trapped with Chris forever. For a couple weeks, I started to have hope again. Isabel, Kara, and Sophie kept me sane. We were all going to escape, but then things went wrong, and I was left stuck on the boat. I knew what was going to happen to me, but that didn't make it any easier. After Chris ra- raped me," I stutter trying not to cry, "I had given up. I believed that I would be living in pain and depression for the rest of my life. About 3 or 4 weeks later, I found out I was pregnant. I thought I had no other option so I did this." I show him my wrists, but I still won't look at his face. This is hard enough as it is. I don't want to see his pity filled eyes. "Chris found me, of course, otherwise I wouldn't be here. He kept me chained to a bed while I healed so I wouldn't hurt myself. Chris didn't know about that baby at the time. While I was stuck on that bed, something happened to me. I started to have hope again. I saw a future for myself where I was a mom taking care of my daughter. Slowly, I fed the dream until it seemed like it became a reality. The baby is what got me through some of the hardest days of my life. I knew that I had to stay strong and fight for her because I wanted her to have a life outside the boat." I pause. Here comes the hard part. I turn away from Matt. "When I found out I lost her, I lost it. Nothing felt set for me anymore. I thought everyone was out to get me. I sort of fell back into my pit of despair. Once again I saw no future for me. I still don't."