Forgetting Love

29

Dear Chris,

I don't know when you'll read this, or if you ever will. Honestly, I don't even know why I'm writing this. I don't owe you anything. I should be trying to move on, but I can't. It doesn't feel right. I think I have to do this. Not only for you, but for myself as well.

I'm sure you already know this, but I think you should hear it from me, too: I lost the baby. You have no idea how much that hurt. Well, it probably hurt you, too, just not in the same way. I had to go through it all by myself because everyone else turned their back on me, and you were gone.

I sat in the hospital for hours mutely, crying over and over until I had no more tears left to shed. I didn't realize how much I actually wanted her until she was gone. Thinking about how a baby was growing inside of me, but suddenly stopped, makes me cry every time. I'm actually crying while writing this. How could God just let a baby die without giving her a chance? I guess it's his way of showing us that we were never meant to be.

I think about you a lot, Chris. I try and try to hate you, believe me, I do, but I can't. I'm going to be honest with you because I think you deserve to know this. I may always fight and deny it, but I did have feelings for you. I still do. No, it wasn't love or hate or anything that strong. In fact, I don't really know how to describe it. Maybe someday I'll understand my feelings for you better, but now just isn't the time.

Some people tell me that they will never forget our story. The story of how you loved me so much that stole me away from everything. The story of how you gave me all of your love when I didn't want it. They say we will never be forgotten. Like Romeo and Juliet, Odysseus and Penelope. Until we are just a story. This angers me in someways. I don't want to be just another story that is changed and repeated so many times that it is no longer recognizable.

To put it simply, no one will ever understand what you felt for me, what I went through. How are you supposed to talk about something you can't truly understand? You can't. But there goes the media. Blowing us up since they have no other information to report. Sometimes I just feel used by them. Just a way for them to get views and better ratings. They are always asking me for the full story and if I'll do an interview, but I always refuse. They'll make it sound worse than what it actually was. That's why no one must know what happened between us. That's for you and I to know only. Our little secret.

Thank you for what you did for me that night. I finally believe that you do love me. That it wasn't just some obsession. I know because you put my safety before anything else. You loved me so much that you were willing to turn yourself in. Thank you, Chris. That makes this a whole lot easier.

My parents are always telling me to forget about you. To forget about these past few months. To forget the love you showed me.

But I think you and I both know that is impossible. Telling me to forget about you is like telling me to predict the future 100 years from now; it's just not ever going to happen. I can try, but I'll never succeed.

I've learned something: The best way to escape from the past is not to forget it, but to forgive it. We both need this escape. So instead of forgetting about you, I'm going to forgive you. My parents are right. It probably would be easier to just forget you, but you'd still be there in the back of my mind. I can't will myself in to believing you never existed. It just wouldn't be right.

I forgive you, Chris. Showing that you truly do love me is what made this possible. I now see that you weren't just using me. You truly did care.

However, that doesn't mean I'll be visiting you or anything. This letter will be the last time you hear from me. Other than the sentencing, you won't see me anymore either. It's time for our story to end. It's gone on long enough. We can't keep going in circles like this.

You need to move on just as I do.

I won't forget you, Chris, and I don't hate you either. That's the most I can do for you. I just hope this will help you, too. I don't want you thinking about me forever.

There are many people in this world. Losing one person won't be the end of it. I'm just a normal girl. That's all I'll ever be. After I'm gone, the world will still be spinning. I believe you'll be ok, too.

Do me one last favor, please. Do it because you love me. Do it because it will be easiest for you.

Try to forget me.

Goodbye, Chris,
Morgan

I look at the paper carefully. This is probably close to the hundredth time I've read it.

Is this ok to send to him? What if it makes him mad or upset? Why am I even doing this?

Because you have to, I scold myself. I keep asking myself the same thing over and over again even though I know the answer. I'm just so nervous about it.

No one knows I'm doing this. I haven't even told Matt, who I will tell almost anything, but not this. This is too personal.

Besides, I don't want anyone telling me this is a bad idea. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. I just don't need to be told it over and over again. Some things I need to do by myself. This is one of them.

This letter will have to be good enough. There's not much more I want to say. I fold the paper up and put it in the already addressed envelope. I seal it, knowing I'll never see my words again. The next pair of eyes to see them will be Chris. I wonder what he'll think. I'm glad I won't be there to see his reaction.

That's the good thing about a letter. I can write down all my feelings for him to read and I won't have to see him. He'll have closure, I'll have closure, all without the pain of seeing each other.

I grab the letter and sneak out of my room. I hide it uncomfortably in the waistband of my pants under my shirt. The stiff edges of the envelope dig in to my skin.

It's not like I'll be in trouble for leaving my room. Yesterday after Matt left, my parents and I made up. While things aren't remotely close to normal, I'm definitely less hostile towards them. I need to let people in, not push them away. Although they can be annoying at times, I'll need my parents to get through this, just like I'll need my brothers and friends.

I have to be cautious, though, because I don't want to raise suspicion of the letter. I'd rather not have to explain it to them. They wouldn't understand. In fact, I barely understand this feeling myself. I just know I can't fully move on until I send it.

I manage to walk through the house without running in to anyone miraculously. Maybe my luck is finally starting to turn around. Or maybe it's the fact that Caleb is at school, and Dad is at work leaving Mom to watch me. It's really not that hard to avoid one person. I've been doing that for awhile now.

I walk across the lawn in a straight line to the mailbox. The closer I get to it, the heavier the letter seems to get. Once I put the letter in there, it's gone forever. This will finally be done. I can move on with my life, and hopefully Chris will be able to, too.

I can't wait to get rid of it. I just want my life back. Things will change for the better. The weight of the sky will be lifted off my shoulders. All because of one, small letter.

I pull the envelope out once I arrive at the mailbox. Not even glancing at it, I force it in and slam the door shut. I put the flap up and start walking back.

I sigh in relief. There. It's done. I have no regrets about it. This time tomorrow, it will be gone. It will start it's long journey to the prison in Texas.

I was right. I do feel much better about myself. Some of my confidence has been restored and I feel that slight smile that used to always dance on my lips. Although I still have a deep emptiness in my soul, some of the void has been filled.

Now it's time for me to start living life again.

I know, I said this would be the epilogue, but I lied haha. The next chapter will be the epilogue.

This was meant to be shorter, but still. Sorry for the wait.

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