Forgetting Love

21

The next morning, I wake up late. It's nearly 11 in the morning by the time I make my way to the kitchen. I'm yawning like crazy and my hair is a mess, but all I want is food right now.

"Good morning, sunshine." Chris says in the kitchen. He is always right where I need him.

"I am not a sunshine," I yawn. "And this isn't a good morning. Mornings are the opposite of good."

Chris laughs. "Rough night?" He asks.

"I guess," I say as I sit at the table. "I just had trouble sleeping." More like I hardly slept at all. Nightmares kept me awake almost the entire night. They were different from each other, but they all had one constant.

Matt.

I saw him die in so many ways; he drowned, burned to death in a fire, got shot, and was run over by a car. The list goes on, but I don't want to remember them all. It's too painful. I've been trying to move on from Matt, but the more I try, the more I remember him.

I see him in almost everything. He's in anyything that makes me smile. He's the hero in every movie or book, even the ones that don't wear masks. He's the rainbow after a storm. He once told me when we saw one, "A rainbow is it's own little miracle. It's amazing how something so beautiful can come from something so dark and destructive."

In a way, Matt was a rainbow. Somehow, he managed to be the only light that came from this dark family . He made my life happy for a moment, and the next thing I knew, he was gone.

"Hey, are you ok?" Chris asks shaking me. His voice brings me back to reality.

"Yeah, just tired," I say. Getting up, I grab a bowl and pour myself a little cereal. I'm not very hungry anymore. My stomach sort of feels sick.

"Do you need anything?" He asks worried. Would he listen to me? I just said I was fine. I hate it when people pester me about the same thing. It makes me feel clustered.

"I just need some air," I say trying to hide the annoyance in my voice. I hurriedly walk down the hall, cereal in hand. I can't stand to be by Chris right now. I feel like I betrayed Matt because I kissed his killer. Why do I always make things complicated?

Luckily, Chris doesn't pursue me. Maybe he got the message that I just wanted to be alone.

I can already tell it is cold outside just by touching the door handle. I'm starting to think that my sweats might not be enough to keep me warm, but I go out anyways. The cold air wraps around me threatening to send me back outside. My bare feet sting against the deck. Still, I walk towards the chairs. I'm not going to give in to the cold.

The sky is clouded in gray and it's a windy day. All I see for miles is the open sea. Sighing, I sit down in the chair. At least I'm alone.

I curl in to a ball in an attempt to warm my feet. It's still sort of cold, but I'm starting to get used to it. The initial shock was probably the worst part. I slowly eat the cereal. Even though I'm not that hungry anymore, I know I still have to eat for the sake of the baby.

I stare at the sea, looking at anything and everything. I feel numb, not in the body, but in the mind. I've dealt with this empty feeling before. I'm depressed. It's just never been so overwhelming.

The door opens behind me. Why won't Chris leave me alone for a few minutes? I turn around, but instead of finding him, I see Ashley walking towards me with a blanket. She smiles at me softly, "Hey," she says.

I almost forgot she was here. Wow, what a great friend I am. "Hi."

"Chris told me you were out here," she says sitting beside me. "I figured you'd need this." She tries to hand me the blanket.