Drawing Journal #1 || LunarCassiopeia

October 29th, 2017

[12:06 am]

I'm frustrated and me and my mom got into an argument... More like my mom scolding me for forgetting to put my clothes in the laundry.

I tend to talk back when in stressed...

And thanks to school, I'm always stressed.

Though it just brings be back to how I remember I was watching a TV show and it used a lot of sarcasm in it so after the show, I found myself using a lot of sarcasm.

And then my mom asked me some really dumb questions and I was sarcasm and I nearly got slapped in the face.

It's so annoying when my parents take my sarcasm as me talking back and being rude.

Yet at school, majority of the time, my friends can't tell I'm using sarcasm...

I dunno but I get depressed when my parents scold me for being myself or bring attention to myself...

Like for example...

• My weight... (my mom tells me I weigh too much and need to diet and exercise... I was happy with my weight before she told me that...)
• My appearance... (my mom tells me I look fat and teases me about the fat on my stomach... And that just makes me insecure about my appearance... I used to not care about how I looked at all because I thought I was fine but my mom managed to make me insecure...)
• Comparing me to other kids who are better than me... (It's understandable with other Asian kids but it's awful when my mom compares me to American kids who do better than me because of the stereotype where Asians are the smartest and the best at everything...)
• The way I do things (I'm messy but at least I know where my stuff is 99% of the time... My mom has like OCD, so it's annoying when she forces me to clean all the time because it bothers her... It makes me more sad thinking about her saying how I'll probably die living in trash just because my desk is messy and I don't feel like cleaning it and being a hoarder when all I do is keep my old drawings...)
• Convincing me to throw out things that I value in my life (they're the little things but I treasure them... Like my old drawings... I had a lot of drawings from when I was little but I can never look back at them because my mom always threw them away when I stored too much... I have a binder full of my old drawings but my mom thinks I'm hoarding all my drawings... But those drawings mean a lot to me... They let me see how much I've grown as an artist...)

It feels like I'm a failure to my parents... Because I'm not the daughter they want me to be...

And because I'm the oldest, everything is like an experiment...

And my sister... She has it easier since she's younger...

I feel like I'm their first trial, something to test things out and my sister is the better version of me.

My parents are more proud of her and they expect things from her now... Meanwhile... They don't expect anything from me anymore...

Fook... I'm crying now...

I just wish I make my parents happy....

But everything I do... Something always backfire and they never smile because they're happy I'm happy... I can only remember the time they smile because I did something the pleased them... But whatever I did... It cost me my happiness and now here I am... Finding myself crying a lot and sad often...

I'm jealous of those who are genuinely happy because while they're happy, I'm hurting inside and I can't find myself to be happy...

I find it sad that I'm the happiest when I'm away from my family...

Because when I'm with my family... I can be happy but something always come along and things just... fall apart.

We get into arguments, we ignore each other, we avoid each other and after a while, we make up...

I'm just referencing to all my summer vacations... I can't really remember a lot of the good memories... I'm trying to remember one of just me, my parents and my sister but I can't really think of one...

The only one I remember is a recent one in New York when we visited the Kpop store and I bought the YNWA album...

I usually remember the bad memories from vacation... And eventually... Those memories fade and all I have left is memories of things we did... There's no emotion tied to the memories... They're just there...

In general... My parents are bad people but... The pressure I feel from them... It makes me have a bad perspective of them...

All my friends say they're nice but that's because they only see the nice side that exist when my friends are around... But when they're not there... My parents are the ones who make me feel awful about myself...

And then I tend to close off and keep everything inside... And keeping everything inside is what's slowly breaking me...

At least I have friends who understand what I feel...

I just want to talk with someone...

I'm sorry for this kinda depressing update...

[4:04 am]

Lol, BaeTaeLay, I think you should know what photo this is XDDDD

[6:32 pm]

I love being able to watch Mnet lol...

I almost forgot this channel existed.

[7:49 pm]

WHAT THE LITERAL FOOK IS GOING ON?

MY INTERNET ISNT WORKING (I'm using data)

IT WAS JUST WORKING-

THE ONLY WEBSITE THAT WILL WORK IS GOOGLE.COM

WHAT THE FOOK IS THIS?

[8:19 pm]

Internet problem fixed

ALSO

I TRIED ON MY HALLOWEEN COSTUME AND IT STILL FITS

HA

AND I DIDNT DO A DANG THING TO SLIM DOWN.

HAHA.

The only tight about it is the sleeves but it's not a problem really... it's not super tight.