Away

My Letter To You All

Dear people,

I thought that my prince charming would come. I thought that my life would be perfect. I had a good family, they were happy. We were happy.

But then they began to argue. We thought that it was just a little bump in the road, something that would pass and that they would get over it. But they didn’t.  We were never happy again.

Months passed and it grew worse. The arguing soon grew to fighting. The harsh whispers thrown at each other soon turned into yelling harsh things at each other. This was the time of stress.

The addition to the house was added and my siblings and I got into our separate rooms. We all shut our doors and the hallway door so we could have a chance at not hearing them yell that night. We always heard it anyways.

Some years passed and the fighting only grew worse. They could no longer say one word to each other without blowing up. My dad then moved out. He said it would only be for three months and that they needed a break. Three months passed and he didn’t move back in. We still saw him; he picked us up from school. He said they needed more time alone, to work things out. He said the maximum was just another three months.

Another three months passed and he didn’t move back in. I already knew this before, but this confirmed my suspicions; my family was no longer going to be whole again. I grew numb. I couldn’t feel anything.

My sister got her driving license and she was gone; always gone to houses of her friends, parties, school events, studying at different places. I rarely see her now; and when I do, she doesn’t want to talk with me. She wants to text or call her friends, skype the guy she likes, do her homework but she doesn’t want to talk to her family.

My brother is in ignorance. Ignorance is bliss. He complains about everything he doesn’t get. He’s too ignorant for his good.

My mother is stressed. She works from 8 in the morning until 4:30 in the afternoon then from 5 in the afternoon until 10 at night. She is tired. She is angry. She is sad. But she tries to do everything right. And she tries so hard but it wears her out. And she can’t take it anymore. I can see it in her eyes; she wants to leave. And never come back.

My dad left us. He’s not truly gone, but he’s not truly here. He tries to help, he does; truly. But he never does enough. He is always too occupied with his work to do anything. He doesn’t do the things we need him to do. He doesn’t help around the house. He may sometimes, but sometimes isn’t always enough. I understand that he needs to work and that he needs the money but enough is enough. He shouldn’t bring his laptop to work on while he is in the house with us. He complains about not having enough time to spend with us, but in reality he’s at fault. He could’ve been helping my brother with his homework, then played with him. He also could’ve done the dishes while helping my brother, or cooked dinner. But instead he sits down and he works on his computer until my mom comes home.

And me? I’m sad. I’m angry. I'm disappointed. I'm stressed. I'm confused. I'm lost. But most of all, I'm tired. I’m tired of feeling like a failure. I'm tired of feeling like I'm I have to do everything right or else I’m doomed. I'm tired of feeling like I want to die. I'm tired of everything. I just want to leave. I want to feel something other than this. I want to be happy again. I want my young childhood ignorance back. I want to laugh and forget my problems. I want to do something right.

Sometimes I feel like I need to go insane. My friends say not to do anything too crazy because I could end up in a Mental Ward. But I don’t mind. I want to feel like I belong somewhere, and if that’s the place where they also have demons in their minds then I don’t really care.

I feel weak. Sometimes I feel like I’m about to collapse on the floor and I don’t know why. It takes a major effort to move around and do certain things. It takes an even bigger effort to talk.

My family thinks I have an attitude because of it. They say that I need to get better, but how? How do I get better? By talking to some counselor that’s being paid to talk to me about my problems? I don’t think that will work out too well. They would probably just give me some pills to take.

I don’t understand how things work sometimes. Everything is always so confusing. Why is everything so confusing? I don’t know. I don’t understand how nothing can be truly simple. Like the math equation, “2 + 2”. It equals 4. Simple. There is drama everywhere and no one can stop it. It’s like air. It’s everywhere, and no one can stop it.

They decided to get a divorce. And it’s ripping us apart. Not emotionally, but mentally. It’s like we are own personal bubbles all the time. And if we come together then bombs start to explode and people get mad. And I know I’m sounding crazy here and it’s barely even been a full year, but I can’t honestly remember the last time we were all happy together.

We’ve all been happy at separate times with our separate friends, but every time we try to be happy together, we all become stressed and angry instead. It’s like every single time we do something together – and together no longer includes my dad because he left and is always working – one of us gets mad. And it’s almost always me. I only get mad because everyone is so ignorant, and acting so fake. It’s obvious my sister wants to leave and be with her friends. It’s obvious my mom’s tired and wants to go to sleep. It’s obvious my brother wants to get what he wants, no matter who he gets angry. And it’s so obvious that I just want to be alone; with my thoughts in my room.

You see, some people don’t like their demons inside them. They choose to hide them, and never get to know them. But I got know my demons. And in reality, they’re not so bad. A lot of times they’re funny, they get me like no one else has. They help me. And I know this doesn’t make any sense; but really, when does anything ever have to make sense?

And I just want to say three words to you as my farewell to you in this letter.

FUCK IT ALL.