Rules of a Rebel

Chapter 39: Plan E

Mission: Get Rid of Peyton's Crush on Archer

Plan E: Project Negative Feelings onto a Pillow

- () -

we accept the love we think we deserve

What's that supposed to mean?

I accept all kinds of love. I accept Buster's love, Brutus's love, and Lucky's love too, even though her attitude towards me is one of amused tolerance than love.

James. Melody. My dad. I accept their love, obviously. We're family. They have to love me.

- () -

we accept the love we think we deserve.

Grandmother loathes me.

Most of my family does. I'm the weird vegetarian who wears fake-leather jackets, the black stain on the entire Monroe family, the slut who sent nudes when I was thirteen years old. So how am I supposed to accept their love when they don't give me any?

Mom doesn't love me.

At least, I don't think she does. She tolerates me, I suppose, because I'm her daughter. But I know how embarrassed she gets when I humiliate her over and over again during the family reunions.

I still love my mom.

- () -

My mind is dissolving into a mess that I didn't expect it to. The quote wasn't supposed to impact me this much, but it continues to taunt me even during the day. I can't think straight in school or at home.

Do I deserve love?

The question is harder to to answer than I thought. I mull it over my head during breakfast, classes and lunch. By the end of the day, I'm exhausted from thinking too much.

Archer tries to make conservation during the ride from school to work, but I can't keep up.

Do I deserve Archer's friendship?

I'm not sure.

"You're awfully quiet today," Archer remarks.

"There's a lot on my mind."

"That's alright," He asks. "How's work going?"

"Fine."

"Did you get any news on Harper or Susan Smith?"

"Not yet."

We're silent for the rest of the ride.

I rub my temples. I haven't had a headache in weeks now, but a dull throb is starting to form in the back of my skull. Archer parks near the front of the Pet Shop. I have my door handle when he speaks again.

"Peyton, is therapy going okay?"

"Yeah," I duck out of the car. "It's fine. Don't worry about me."

"Peyton -"

I wave goodbye and close the door, not looking back as I walk into the Pet Shop. Even the familiar sounds of animals greeting me don't make me feel better.