OUR LOUD MINDS → bts fanfiction

Chapter Thirty

☁︎

Namjoon

I stared at the ceiling again. I found I'd been doing it a lot lately. But my mind wanted nothing else and could focus on nothing else. All I could see. All I could hear. All I could feel. It was all reliving that one crucial moment.

Why was fate so cruel? Why did destiny taunt us? Was it because we needed to face our worries? Was it trying to throw our fears at us head on so that we could learn from them? Was I always meant to see him again? Was I always meant to go back to the rushing wind and shards of ice pouring from the sky? Pelting against me, pushing me closer to rest that I longed for. Had I always been meant to ascend to the sky just to fall back down to the earth?

I'd never been really afraid of anything solid. Anything real. The one time I made myself walk into a counselor's office, he'd told me that I was afraid of failure, and that my grades didn't define me. I decided to let him believe he was actually making differences in some adolescent's life and held back from telling him how wrong he was. And I never returned. His words had only reinforced what I'd come to understand so long before.

I wasn't afraid of failure. I wasn't afraid of bad grades. At least, I wasn't at the time.

I was afraid of succeeding. Of living on.

My fear of the future held me, and it didn't release me. I was scared of just how much more I was capable of. I was afraid of discovering my limits. I was afraid of the house I'd built to crumble down. I was afraid, simply afraid.

Writing had been my only escape. But sometimes, things that seem like the way out, are the things that will only push you deeper down.

"Leave me be. Please," I whisper.

He is silent. I feel as though my pleas have fallen on deaf ears. If he isn't going to stop me, then I would continue. I inch forward. I would end...but-- I turn to the boy once more. Even through the icy sleet falling around me, I see him standing there. Waiting. Do I really want an audience?

"You don't have to tell anyone you saw me. Just leave me alone," I call out, more desperate.

He finally looks at me. We lock eyes through the rain. I know now he isn't going to leave. I want to scream at him, to get down and shove him away. I want him to be gone. Why did he have to follow me up here in the first place?

"Sunbae-nim. I beg of you," I call softly.

But I already know his answer. And when Min Yoongi instead takes a seat on the ledge beside me, I stumble and fall backwards, back into the grips of life. Out of the edge of nothing. And then I begin to throw up violently, tears streaming down my face.

"Namjoon!" He called, or someone called.

"Namjoon!"

"Namjoon! I need to speak with you!"

My eyes opened wide. I blinked, glancing to the watch on my wrist. It had been approximately a half of an hour since I'd last checked it. Groaning, I sat up and concluded that I'd accidentally dozed off.

"Coming, Mother," I called weakly.

My head pulsed and I felt sick to my stomach. Like the throwing up had been real. I looked around my bed just to be sure, then shook my head at myself. It had just been a dream. A distant memory.

☁︎

After she'd finished bantering about me needing to participate in an extracurricular activity, my mother allowed me to return to my room to study. I bowed and trudged back up the stairs, feeling sluggish. It was as if all she'd said just passed through me. Everything felt like a blur. I suppose that may happen when a purposefully forgotten memory was uncovered. Maybe.

It was a blur as I opened my bedroom door. It was all a blur as I walked slowly across my room and to my closet. Reaching up and grabbing the box that said Ignis was simply a blur. Even pulling out the notebook on top and a pencil in need of sharpening was a blur. Like I was just watching myself do it.

I finally came to my senses, finally felt as if I'd lifted my head above the deep waters, when I was seated in front of a blank page. Pencil in hand. I suddenly had control over my actions again. But instead of scoffing and throwing out the notebook, instead of shoving the box back into the depths of my closet and slamming the closet shut, instead of stopping this madness,

I wrote. And I wrote without hesitation. For the first time in three years.

pulled in just one glass of soju and felt it.
living is consecutively awareness and loneliness
whether you have many people around you or not.
the little me inside myself was always lonely.
why is there no opposite word of loneliness?
could it be because people, until they die, have no moments of not being lonely?
even if our surroundings are boisterous,
it's necessary to seek a moment to be alone.
yeah that's a life.
we live inside danger.
through the reward that makes us able to see this beautiful world,
flak jackets and streetlamps and sturdy cars.
until the time that we die perfectly, we can't protect everything.
from the moment that everything is born
life is more beautiful knowing that we've taken a loan on death.
even light is treasured more when there's darkness.
the sunshine appears after we've passed through the storm.
life, fall in love.
life receives injuries from us and
is lonely because of the wind and
we wanna be right
but always wrong.
were we born to be wrong?
is life something like that?
in the end, for our whole lives we don't know what tomorrow will be.
even if we say we'll tear this building down, we can't avoid it.
we tryna be bright
but always dark.
we still don't know if we've lived to the extent that we can.

the world is one decalcomania.
the people I thought were on my side can change and become vicious.
like folding paper, a problem that ends if we go have relationships.
in a moment she can be sneering at me from the other side.
it's just the same, but kid, there's no need to get mad.
some parents don't have children. when they stand in front of money
we have to set it ablaze, because the world is too cold.
so nobody can know, rather than doing me.
at times we're right, I don't know if there'll be a time when it doesn't seem wrong.
but the thing that we all learned at some point was how
to step on someone, to catch them, to erase them, to hate them.
fuck all the peace and love, I know that that's the natural enemy of success.
that's too obvious.
logic follows like a sheep, those quotations becoming audible
make me even sadder. so what am I doing? as expected I'm only talking,
but it's just a breeze that brushes against someone

life, fall in love.
life receives injuries from us and
is lonely because of the wind and
we wanna be right
but always wrong.
were we born to be wrong?
is life something like that?

were we born to die, were we born to live?
were we born to die, were we born to live?
are we living to die, or are we dying to live?
the nametag with my name on it, is that my life?
or is it death?

who knows...

life, fall in love
life receives injuries from us and
is lonely because of the wind and
we wanna be right
but always wrong.
were we born to be wrong?
is life something like that?
in the end, for our whole lives we don't know what tomorrow will be.
even if we say we'll tear this building down, we can't avoid it.
we tryna be bright
but always dark.

we still don't know if we've lived to the extent that we can.

A/N  Lyrics from RM's "Life"

Writing about a sad Namjoon makes me sad.

I'm trying to reflect his poetic self from real life into this but probably epically failing, so I sincerely apologize for the cringe.