OUR LOUD MINDS → bts fanfiction

Chapter Forty-Eight

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Namjoon

There was something I often pondered. Whether at the loud school or in my suffocating room. No matter what I was feeling or doing. There was something that often came to mind. And it had been occurring to me much more frequently after Geum Shin Anna had appeared in my life.

I would often wonder whether I was capable of experiencing happiness on my own accord.

I was happy sometimes, but it was only when I was with Anna or the boys. And then I would wonder if they were as happy as they made me when they were with me. And then I would tell myself they weren't.

But when I was on my own, when I was doing my homework or trying to write notes in class, I never felt that same feeling. That warm feeling that slipped into my being so slowly and subtly that I wouldn't even realize it was there until a grin would form on my own face. Then I would blink in bewilderment, because it was such a good feeling, I wondered if I even deserved it.

And then I never felt it by myself. It was never there unless Anna was. I was slowly beginning to realize that Anna shouldn't be the only reason I felt happiness.

Maybe there was something wrong with me.

"Kim Namjoon!" A voice screamed in horror, and reality suddenly slammed against me again.

Noise returned and time sped up again as I lifted my head. Breathing heavily, I turned slightly to my right, but stopped suddenly when I saw Anna frozen, a few feet behind me. I suddenly felt ashamed. Ashamed that it was her to see me on this stupid ledge that I always came back to. On the edge of disappearing.

"D-don't come any closer, Anna. Please," I called to her.

I could barely hear her response over the howling wind. But then she grew louder.

"Please Namjoon!"

"Anna!" I cried into the air.

We were both silent for a moment, and I wondered if she had gone. Run off. I almost prayed she had. But then I heard a sob from behind me. So I heaved a long sigh, and attempted to explain why everything would be perfectly all right. Perfectly as they should be.

"All of my life, every single day, every single minute. Every. Single. Second," I spoke, growing louder with each word. "I have tried to be who everyone wants me to be. I've slaved over every single detail in my life, down to the clothes I wear and the way I speak."

I could hear the sob growing in my own voice, and I wondered if I'd ever heard such a pathetic sound in all my life.

"I tried so hard to please them, Anna. To please everyone," I told her, and myself. "All of my time and effort was put into giving them what they wanted. I built up the image of a perfect son. A perfect student. I did everything they-- no, she asked of me. My father could care less about what I do."

I prayed Anna wouldn't approach me. But then I did. I'd never wanted to just look her in the eyes so badly. Not being able to see her face was excruciating.

"I succeeded. I excelled. I even ate and drank and slept the way she wanted me to. I lived exactly how she told me to!" I cried out louder, making my own self flinch.

Then I whipped around, locking my wide, tear-filled eyes with hers. She'd never looked so scared and confused. And I'd never felt so numb and lifeless. Anna's face crumpled as I spoke the next words.

"So why can't I have at least a fraction of happiness?" I asked quietly. "Why is finding what makes me happy the very thing that is tearing me apart?"

"Namjoon." She finally spoke again, shaky as her voice was. "You can be happy. She can accept that. She will accept that. I--I know it's hard right now for you...and for your mother. But deep down, I know she wants you to be happy."

I let out a bitter laugh, and Anna grimaced, creeping closer.

"What she wants is for me to go to Harvard," I said with biting sarcasm, staring at the ground with hard eyes.

"Namjoon, please listen to me. Please, give me your hand," she urged.

I sniffed, vigorously shaking my head, before turning back around. I felt like I was going to throw up. It was a repeat of that rainy night all those years ago with Min Yoongi.

"A-Anna, please. Please don't come near me..." I begged softly. "It's better for everyone, for her, if I'm just gone. Anna, I believe that maybe those around you, don't realize how much they love you until you disappear. Maybe that's what I think."

"Kim Namjoon, I love you!" She suddenly yelled. "I love you, and you haven't gone yet, right?! I love you, and you don't need to disappear even for a second for me to realize that!"

I was absolutely still then, her words sending shock waves over me. I felt so wide awake, so aware of all that was happening. Aware of how close I was to the edge. But she continued.

"I love you too much to let you leave me now! I'm selfish, remember?! I love you so much, Namjoon. If you decide to jump today, then you better believe that I'll be coming down right after you!"

I finally swiveled around again, eyes wide, but this time, Anna didn't look scared or confused. She was staring me down fiercely as I tried to find words, opening and closing my mouth. Anna got even closer, till we were in arms length of each other. I stopped trying to speak and just stared down at her, shock on my pale, wet, face.

"How...really?" I whispered.

She nodded, tears streaming down her cheeks.

"But...for how long...?"

"Since the day you punched Kim Seokjin. The day you and I first went to Ignis," She confessed, cracking a small, sheepish grin, though the situation was way too serious for that. "I think I loved you when you held my hand that day."

I felt something flow through my  lifeless veins, slowly lighting up a glow in my body, slowly but surely. And hopefulness began to spread on her face as I squatted down to look at her right in the eyes.

"Now please, Namjoon. You took my hand that day. Now let me take yours," She begged, reaching out to me.

I looked down at my outstretched arm, feeling hesitant.

"You know...the first day I knew I needed a tutor, I came up here," I said softly. "And I came here when I first told mom about my writing. That was the worst day of my life, Anna."

Worry began to cloud Anna's determined eyes again, but I sent her a tired smile.

"But Anna..." I whispered. "I'm really glad I didn't jump that day. If I had, I wouldn't have ever met you."

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A/N: I love u guys, and I don't want anyone to feel offended by my take on this serious topic. Please let me know if u feel my portrayal of depression is misguided or exaggerated.

And thank u all for ur continued support!! ♥︎