OUR LOUD MINDS → bts fanfiction

Chapter Forty-Seven

☁︎

Anna

"He's crying," a voice whispered right beside me.

"What?" I murmured, completely entranced; but my mind cleared as I realized what had been said. "Namjoon."

Jin stared up at the stage with me, watching Namjoon carefully. I'd been so caught up in the moment that I hadn't even noticed the tears filling Namjoon's dark eyes. I felt the same on my own cheeks.

"I never knew the class president had so much emotion," Jin muttered, letting out a bitter chuckle. "What a—"

"Yah," I said darkly, my jaw clenched. "I'd be careful with the next words that come out of your mouth."

"Okay, Okay. Come down," he said, raising hands in defeat.

But all that Jin was doing felt so fake and forced. And maybe it was from years of knowing what people were thinking when, but I could tell he was simply sad, and a bit angry. I wondered why I hadn't noticed before. Guess I'd been too caught up in Namjoon.

"Seokjin..."

But then a loud cheer erupted around us, almost deafening. I jumped and glanced to the front of the stage. Namjoon was standing there, head bowed, microphone held tightly in his hand. But he was done. I let out a careful sigh, relieved that he had finally let it out.

Then Namjoon ran a hand over his eyes and backed away from the front of the stage, slowly turning and walking off. But the crowd just kept going, even after the mc had come out to settle them down. Isn't this what he'd wanted? Then why does he look so sad? I bit my lip, glancing off to the side of the stage, wondering where Namjoon was going.

"Anna, I—" Jin was speaking.

"I've gotta go," I said, pushing back towards the crowd.

It didn't matter how loud they were now, I just had to get to Namjoon. To tell him everything.

"Anna, wait!" Jin shouted after me, but his cries were drowned out by the crowd.

☁︎

After finally successfully making my way out of the masses of cheering bystanders, I finally found a way into backstage. Breathing a sigh of relief, I glanced about, looking for him anywhere. Instead, my eyes landed on Yoongi. Letting out a sharp breath, I jogged over to him.

"Yoongi! Have you seen Namjoon?" I asked, almost frantic.

Yoongi blinked at me in confusion, slowly nodding his head.

"Yeah, just a minute or two ago. But he left as soon as he got off stage..."

"What?! Where did he go?"

"I don't know, Anna..." Yoongi trailed off in thought. "All he said was that he needed a quick breath of fresh air."

"Yah! Hyung!" A voice called from the entrance.

"Oh, sorry. I gotta go. Do me a favor and find him. That punk can rap!"

But as Yoongi jogged off, I was already frozen still, his words and Namjoon's running through my mind. 'A breath of fresh air...'? My stomach dropped.

"It's just...I need some air..." Namjoon's words from only a few days before ran through my head. Back when I could've sworn he was having a panic attack.

And suddenly I knew exactly where Namjoon was.

☁︎

I raced through the sliding glass doors of Mr. Kim's office building, panic clenching at my heart tighter and tighter with each heavy breath I took. With a quick glance around, I hurried over to the elevators. Business people still milled about, despite the lateness of the evening, and there was even a small line of them waiting for the elevators. I chewed my lips, feeling useless just standing beside these bored looking people. People who were completely and blissfully unaware of the terror that gripped my lungs and clawed away at my conscious. Namjoon's dull eyes flashed through my mind, his words piercing through my skull again and again, like a never ending chant.

"I wish it rains all day...cuz I'd like someone to cry for me."

A whimper slipped through my lips as I recalled how broken he'd looked. I hated myself more than ever at that moment. Because I hadn't done anything. Just watched in awe as he'd suffered. Swallowing the lump forming in my throat, I stumbled backwards, away from the elevators. The stairs would have to do instead. Nodding to the rhythm of Namjoon's voice echoing in my head, I ran towards the metal door at the end of the hall. I slipped into the quiet stairwell that soon became loud with the echoing sound of my feet slapping against the hard stairs.

Every step I took, the closer I got, and the more scared I felt. I prayed I was just overreacting. That Namjoon was letting out a sigh of relief at performing for the first time ever. That he was okay. But deep down, I knew, I felt, that he wasn't okay. That something was very wrong. His broken face flashed through my head again, and I sped up. By the time I reached the top, my lungs were screaming and my heart was pounding, but I wasn't ready to stop. With one last ounce of strength, I shoved open the heavy, metal door, stumbling out onto the wide roof of the office building. The same roof Namjoon and I had sat upon together less than two weeks before. It seemed like ages ago now.

I glanced around the roof, panicked, gasping for air. Then I saw him. Then my heart dropped. Then everything was silent, in slow motion. The boy I'd grown to know over the past month, the only boy who'd slowly but surely become my best friend, the only boy I wanted to see every second of every day, the only boy I'd ever thought of loving. The only person who's mind was completely silent to me, but who I knew more than anyone, stood there, on the cement wall. He stared down, down, surely, onto the loud city streets beneath him.

Namjoon stood at the edge of life.

☁︎

A/N: trigger warning for the next chapter. Please don't read if you have suicidal thoughts or tendencies.

I know this is a serious topic and i don't want anyone to be upset by it. Please reach out to someone if you think you're suffering by any kind of anxiety disorder.