I Need You

0.8

One thing Jay never talked about, at least, not with Erin anyways, was his time in the Rangers. Yes, she understood that most of those who have served or are currently serving, didn't really share much about there time over there. It was completely understandable, but at the same time, if it was the cause of why Jay was having nightmares and acting weird lately, she wanted to help in anyway she could. It's just hard to help with anything when the person you love doesn't talk to you about it. They have been through so much as of late, and she really didn't want another bump in the road. She refused to give up. She was determined to do whatever she could to get Jay to let her in, and to help him through whatever it was troubling him. 

It was obviously something to do with his military past, just by how he acted during his sleep when having the nightmares, Erin knew that he had to be reliving something traumatic from then as he slept. Any time she asked him about it, about what he was dreaming about, Jay didn't want to talk about it. He would just tell her it was nothing and just leave it at that. It was a bit frustrating at times, but she would just let it go and move on. The problem was, the nightmares were starting to be more frequent, and it was starting to worry her. What triggered this? Did Jay need to seek professional help? Would he ever open up to her about it and let her try to help him through this? Erin felt so helpless through all of this. He was the love of her life, and seeing him like this was killing her.

Keeping anything from Erin was not something Jay liked doing, unless it was a surprise or something simple like that, he was okay with keeping her in the dark, but with something like this, he hated that he wasn't opening up to her. They have come so far, especially with being more open with one another, and now here he was, keeping secrets again. It wasn't really a secret, he guessed, but he wasn't being forth coming with her. Why was it so hard to just tell her that he was struggling with his past in the Rangers. Mouse deciding to rejoin just really messed Jay up. Mouse was his friend, he hated thinking about him heading back into the line of fire. He was a grown man, there was nothing Jay could do about it, but it didn't mean that it didn't open up old wounds for himself. It was funny how just hearing that someone he was close to was going back into the military would cause him to have his past come back to haunt him. He'd be okay though, right?

Maybe talking to Erin would help? Should he seek professional help? Maybe go to a support group? Or, just bury it deep inside, like he has always done, and just move on? Those were some of the thoughts racing through Jay's head over the matter. He had to do something, whatever it would be, he had to decided on something. Erin didn't deserve to feel like he was pushing her away, and he knew that. Pushing her away is the last thing Jay ever wanted to do. She was the love of her life, he didn't want to do anything to lose her. If they were to break up, take a break, anything that would involve them not waking up next to one another, it would kill him. It took them a while to finally be together without letting something make them take a step back, he didn't want to lose it now. Erin was worth fighting for, she was worth everything. Jay just truly loved Erin that much.

Yes, they were madly in love with one another, and yes, they would both doing absolutely anything for the other, but how would they deal with all of this if Jay decides to not tell Erin what was going on? Would Erin be able to just let it go? Just a few of many questions running through both of their minds. Erin wants Jay to let her in, let her help. Jay, well, he's not sure on what exactly he wants to do. His struggle to open up about his past in the Rangers, was really causing problems at the moment. Something needs to change and soon. This keeping Erin in the dark wasn't going to be something that could last forever. He could tell that it was already getting to her. Yes, she was being herself, and not pushing him to open up, but he could also tell that it was bothering her. He wasn't stupid, if the roles were reverse, he would be feeling the same way. In all honesty, this wasn't fair to her at all and really didn't deserve to be left in the dark like this.

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It was just a regular Wednesday for the unit. It was already halfway through the day, and they were all hard to work on a gang related crime that had happened around 3 a.m. in one of the popular spots in Chicago where most of the gang related crimes tended to happen. Jay was focused on helping crack the case, but what he needed to discuss with Erin was still in the back of his mind. There had been a few times during a car ride with Erin, he had thought about talking about it, but with the case, with needing to keep their heads in the game, especially as they went to talk to those that could possibly help with the case, he felt like it wasn't the right time. Erin was always so focused, and he didn't want to put this on her while she's trying to stay her best. Maybe on the way home, or once they arrived home, would be the better time to finally just tell her about what's been bothering him lately. 

It was late when the finally wrapped things up at work. It took all day, but finally, at about 2 a.m. they finally got their number one suspect to confess to the murder. Though a bit exhausted, Jay still wanted to talk to Erin once they arrived home. He wasn't sure how this was going to go. It had nothing to do with how he thought Erin was going to take hearing about his troubles, it was more if he was actually going to be able to tell her everything. He hadn't talked about any of this in so long, he wasn't sure if he would be able to now. Jay was going to try though. Erin was worth the struggle of reliving his past. 

Once the couple arrived home, Jay went to sent on the couch, Erin followed suit. Once she had her shoes off, she folded her legs on top of one another on the couch beside her, as she then curled up against Jay, who instantly wrapped his arm around her, resting his head upon hers, after she rested against his shoulder. They both enjoyed the silence for a moment. Erin just unwinding a bit from a rough day at work, while Jay was wondering where to start on the conversation with Erin that needed to happen. Honestly, he was probably making this more difficult than it really was. In a way, it seemed like it, but really, he wasn't. Not many soldiers were able to talk to their loved ones about what they saw or went through in war. 

After a few moments of silence against one another, Jay finally decided it was time to get it all over with. The sooner, the better, right?

"So," Jay said after a moment more of silence. "I want to talk to you about what's been going on with me lately. Explain why I have been a bit distant lately."

"Jay, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to," Erin confessed. "I love you Jay, and I'm here for you no matter what."

"No, I want to tell you. It's just been a struggle to allow myself to feel ready to talk about this."

Jay took a deep breath, as Erin looked at him, waiting patiently for him to start. Apart of her already knew what he wanted to talk about, but it warmed her heart that he felt comfortable enough to open up to her about it. She would be whatever support he needed through this.

Anxiety was rising in Jay. This was actually kind of scary for him. After so long of bottling it all up, it was feeling a bit overwhelming trying to get the words to come right out of his mouth. He loved Erin more than he ever thought he was capable of. Even if he couldn't fully open up about everything, he at least wanted to try and scratch the surface on his past in the military.

Authors Note:  

So, I had thought I had posted this chapter a long time ago before I disappeared from writing. 

I'm going to go ahead and post it and then start slowly working on continuing this story. Its been so long, but I hate that I never finished my two stories on here. 

Hopefully there is still people out there that still love Linstead for me to continue on and wrap this story up.