I WOULD SUCK AT PARENTING

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I WOULD SUCK AT PARENTING

 

Okay so for those of you who know me, you’ll get this

Those of you who sort of know me, you’ll get this soon enough

Those of you who know me over the internet, you’ll get this

Those of you who don’t know me at all, you’ll get this soon enough

 

This is basically some proof as to why I would SUCK at parenting. Seriously.

Underlined is the scenarios (if needed)

Italics is the child

Regular is me, what I would say

And bold is the author’s note, if you are too much of a dumb shit to realize (it’s only been about 25 chapters)

 

Anyway sit down, shut up, and buckle yourself in for a tired chapter about small bratty objects they like to call children

Enjoy

 

 

Scenario 1

Mummy mummy I put my hand on the oven

The fuck did you do that for you dumb little shit?

It hurts!

The fuck did you think would happen? Rainbows? *feeds child Nutella*

Scenario 2

Mummy mummy I’m hungry

Do I look like a fucking vending machine to you?

Mummy I’m HUNGRY
Sh, shirtless Taylor Lautner is on *feeds child Nutella*

Scenario 3

Mum I need money

Excuse me but have you ever seen an ATM because they don’t look like me you little shit

Mum. Money.

I DID NOT SQUEEZE YOU OUT OF MY FUCKING VAGINA AND THEN RAISE YOU FROM A TINY LITTLE SCREAMING RED THING THAT SHIT ITSELF FAR TOO OFTEN JUST TO BE FAT. AND I DO NOT GET UP AT THE STUPID CRAZILY EARLY HOUR OF 7AM TO GO TO WORK WITH FUCKERS I DON’T EVEN LIKE, JUST TO EARN MONEY TO GIVE TO YOUR LAZY ASS WHEN YOU DEMAND IT. GO TO FUCKING WORK IF YOU NEED CASH. ARE WE CLEAR?

Mum, I’m eleven, and you said I could have tuck shop today *cries*

Oh. Um. Well. *feeds child Nutella*

I think I’m really good at this whole “mum” thing don’t you? Keep reading.

 

Scenario 4.1:

Mum I’m going out

Whatever, don’t get pregnant, make good choices and if you come in drunk at 2am I will beat the shit out of you.

Um ok

Also make sure you’re healthy and keep that gorgeous body of yours *feeds child Nutella*

Scenario 4.2:

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