and she tried to be happy, oh, well she was but it was an effort. it made her tired. she had to make herself laugh at every joke or she had to think about how funny a video was before she actually giggled. she downloaded happy, upbeat music and fought off the urge to listen to her slow, melancholy string of her favorite songs. she gave in usually, every night. she wondered why she cried, knowing she didn't have to feel this way. she did miss him and inside it stung, knowing that he was okay without her. she smoked stolen cigarettes from her mother that way it wasn't just his absence that suffocated her. she could suffocate herself. she had control over that, at least. she had missed his family, she missed how his mother would always notice how things were slightly off and how she cared enough to ask. she missed his little sisters and how bright they were. she liked seeing them argue, it was so soft and gentle. not like the arguments in her own household. she missed his father and his brother. she loved joking around with them. she tended to miss a lot of things that weren't coming back. she didn't want to tell him all of the things listed above, she was scared. all she wanted to do was let go, but god, it hurt.
