to bailey
i cannot explain how much i was shaking when i realized you were leaving. every single memory and feeling played in my head. it all crashed down on me about how much i actually do love you, no matter how much i tried to ignore it. i will always love you, no matter what.
this was us. (it's not going to be in order)
• remember when i wrote on your yearbook for you to add me on snapchat? i didn't write that on anyone else's. i only wrote it on yours.
• remember when we first started talking and we stayed up till 3 in the morning on facetime just laughing at funny memes and videos? we did that for a week straight, until our parents started yelling at us for getting up too late. i remember how amazing your laugh sounded. i wish i could put it on repeat and listen to it all the time.
• remember the first time we hung out? you were like 2 hours late and i'm laughing at that as i'm writing this right now. i thought you weren't going to show up. anyway, there was an eyelash on your cheek and i kept looking at it and thinking about it. it didn't bother me, i just remembered that i wanted to brush it off just so i could touch your face. then, when the sunset hit, your skin was glowing with a golden tint and your eyes looked mesmerizing, like they were everything i would ever need in life. i kept trying to take pictures of you and you wouldn't let me because you thought you looked ugly. it was weird how you thought that. i thought you looked amazing.
• i remember that i first realized i was in love with you when you complemented my mind before my face or body. you said to me, "i love how you think" and you called me brilliant. when the time did come for you to complement those aspects of myself, you did it so effortlessly and perfectly
• remember when you first met my dad? i literally had a damn panic attack and you were so calm. i cringe at that, i probably looked so dumb. i can't believe you still liked me after that, i know i looked like a mega dork. the other guys that i liked wanted to meet my parents but i would never let them. i would make excuses. you were an exception. you were the first
• the first time you were going to come to my house, i woke up at 5:30 in the morning to clean and when you came over, my house was still a mess
• we started watching A-Typical on Netflix. we never finished it, i'm not even mad though. Stranger Things is way better
• we went to that girl Rachel's house and we took our first picture of us kissing there
• speaking of kissing - we were at the carnival and i remember you got sick on the first ride and you still wanted to go on the second ride with me just because you wanted me to have fun. the second ride was where we first kissed. it was so lovely. i still get the butterflies just thinking about it.
• before we went to the carnival you helped me pick out an outfit and i don't know why, but that was the sweetest thing ever. also, i loved when you would help me pick out my selfies to post
• we went to the lake together and i remember fangirling over how hot you looked on the jet-ski. you were having so much fun. it was cute to see you get excited whenever you went on it
• remember when you first hugged me? it was everything. i'm always thinking and stressing, but i swear, when you hugged me i just closed my eyes and took a deep breath out. it felt like i had been holding my breath for years. you were so warm and you smelled like honey.
• just you standing next to me makes me happy. with you, i am the happiest. you're still my home. i feel homesick
• remember when my brother was an idiot and decided to almost drink himself to death? (LMAO who could forget?) i couldn't stop crying and i called you and you came to my house to pick me up and take me and my little sister to the hospital. you were the first boy that i've liked to see me cry. you saw me in my most vulnerable state and you held me so tight. you kept saying, "everything will be okay." you made me feel safe in the scariest moment of my life. i will never forget that. i will never forget you
• when my brother got out you said, "haha, straight down the hatch dude." i got so mad but now, whenever i think about it i laugh. you always did know how to make me laugh
•remember when we would play fight and i would grab your nipple? i knew it annoyed the hell out of you. i just kept doing it because when you would scream, then laugh, then yell, "STOOOOP!" it was the cutest thing ever. it never got old to me.
• when i met your parents and you told me that they called me cute, i was sitting on the couch and i started to cry tears of joy. i was like, oh my gosh, how did i even get so lucky to have met someone like you? with such kind parents and siblings, like oh my gosh! but yeah, real tears were shed because of how sweet you were to me. i'll always cherish it.
• i remember being in the car with my dad and he said, "yeah bailey is a nice guy and you better never lose him. he set the standards so high for you and it'll be hard for any other guy to beat it." i had no clue what to say since he was right. i just said, "i know." and smiled the rest of the ride home.
• it's funny, i always wished that i would have less time on earth, but then i met you. i had began wishing for more time with you. you were my new wish whenever i saw a shooting star. you are my definition of hope. i began wishing for more time on earth just so i could be with you a little longer
• remember when we went to Walmart with Erick and you guys rode the bikes? i was laughing so hard, seeing you on the tiny bike for toddlers. you looked hilarious
• i ate a ball of weed WTF
• when we were at the carnival we wanted to take an aesthetic photo with the lights and the rides in the background. it took us 5ever just because everyone kept looking at us. the picture turned out lovely though
• every kiss was magical
• i remember one time we fell asleep together and i woke up and looked at you. your face was so peaceful and you looked like a child. your mouth was slightly open and i could hear soft little snores. it was adorable. you are adorable. i smiled and grabbed your hand and fell back asleep
• remember whenever our parents would pick us up from each other's house and we would pretend to sleep just so we could lay in each other's arms for a little longer? that was my favorite
• when you self harmed, you didn't know this but i always checked if you did it again. i would feel your wrists whenever i would go to hold you hand. i looked every chance i could. i'm so sorry if i was one of the reasons why. i wanted to kiss all your pain away. it must have felt so lonely thinking that, that was all you could turn to. i'm sorry i wasn't there when you needed it
i miss you. i miss your love, your touch, the laughs, the happiness, the joy of US. i've written so many letters now that you aren't around anymore. there are 23 pages of letters in my drawer and they are about wanting you, they are all about us. i am so so sorry bailey. i was afraid. i was afraid of getting my heart broken again like before. we hurt each other so bad. i was scared to be vulnerable. and i was afraid of you and the way you make me feel. i am such a coward. and i am so sorry that i could not handle your love. i am sorry i pushed you away. i was just too scared to admit it. i know this doesn't make up for everything i did but i realized that i am running out of time with you and i cannot stand that, soon, i won't be able to see you around anymore. i can't believe that, soon, your scent on your sweatshirts are just going to be a memory. i won't be able to go hear your laugh from across the hall anymore it see you walking around campus. i can't stand that, sooner or later, i won't see your family or have your mom around to hug me when i really need it and how your dad and i won't be able to joke around anymore. it hurts to know i won't be able to give your sisters big hugs or do my handshake with Ethan. it makes me sad knowing i won't be able to see Apollo grow up and see his ears stand up or see Ollie lose all his baby fat or see Rubi chase after the cats. i want us to start over, i wanna forget about everything bad we went through and just be brand new. don't push me away since you know you'll be moving. let's love the hurt out of each other before you go. don't let our last chapter be, "and then he just left." let it be, "we loved each other until the end." we can do it, and i promise you, it will be better than ever.
you bailey shoup, are the first person that i've cared about more than anything. you are my first real love and i just took you for granted. i shouldn't have done that, because in the craziest moments of life, you knew how to make my world stop spinning. and i am so sorry that i messed that up. i miss how you would squish my face and play with my lips. i miss the feeling of your hair and the way our hands fit perfectly together. can we fall in love again?
