sometimes i miss the thrill of being "bad." i miss the way nicotine would make me feel dizzy and the way my body would float after i got high. i miss the way i would dance after i got drunk and the way my eyes would look with red around them. i miss the people i used to surround myself with at parties; how everyone would eat, smoke, drink, talk, and laugh together. i've never felt closer with a group of people after i experienced that. it's almost as if everyone was connected so tightly because we all knew we were damaging our bodies and that it was pathetic, but we didn't care. we just lived.
i have new friends now, and they aren't bad. only a few of them know i smoke cigarettes but they judge me for it. hanging out with them is fun but there is no thrill. the parents hover. nothing bad even available. we watch basketball games and make offensive jokes and laugh too loud at them because there is nothing better to do. or do i mean worse?
everyone talks about basic things like how their parent is annoying them or how cute their dog looked or shit talk about girls we've never met and which boys are hot. most times, it's boring. it saddens me that some people haven't experienced what i have experienced. they wouldn't know what it's like to sit on the steps with someone at night, looking at the stars and smoking and talking about real life things. if i told them, they wouldn't understand and so i just don't say anything and i smile. things are quieter now and sometimes the silence is suffocating. it's peaceful at times too. i think it's only when i have stuff to get off my chest but i fear talking about it. i know that most of them aren't as damaged as me and i'm glad for them. i'm glad they wouldn't be able to understand because their lives are so much better and i wouldn't want them to know what it feels like to be me. but still, there was comfort in being with people who would listen and get what i'm saying.
don't get me wrong, there are things i don't miss. i don't miss the way smoke would hurt the back of my throat and i don't miss the way weed would make my mouth dry and make me overthink. i don't miss the way alcohol would make me cry and text people i should have already moved on from. i don't miss falling asleep in the bathtub or by the toilet. i definitely don't miss guys trying to take advantage of me when they saw i wasn't sober. i'm glad i'm not lying to my parents anymore and using their trust as a way to slowly kill myself. i don't miss being a bad example for my little sister and i definitely don't miss being so so emotional unstable.
but i guess i miss having people check up on me, and having people ask if i'm doing okay. i miss the safe hugs i would get from the people i loved when i was having a panic attack and i miss the people that stayed put even when i told them to leave. but now that i've gotten better, no one does that anymore. my actions aren't bad but i feel as if my thoughts are. i feel as if everyone must have suddenly stopped caring.
-i think i wanna be my worse self again. everyone seemed to care a little more.
