Christabel's guide to necromancy and world domination

Who took me where?

I could now confirm my suspicions that flying without a plane or anything was highly overrated. It was cold, the wind was annoying, and hair kept falling on my eyes, thank God I had cut them just a few weeks before and now they were only shoulder-length. Also, did I mention I had to go to the toilet? Also, did I mention I am terribly afraid of heights? Also, did I mention that I was flying in the arms of a guy who was almost certainly a demon, that I was trapped in a weird fantasy world with crazy undead elves and killer trees, and that I had no idea how any of that had happened?

On the bright side, I was almost sure that I was alive and not dreaming. Needing to pee in a dream or in the afterlife was unheard of. Not that I had that much experience of the afterlife back then, of course.

After some long minutes of flying and trying to pretend that I was just a few inches from the ground, I gathered up enough strength to ask my new possible murderer:

" Where are you taking me?"

" I don't know. Where would you want to be taken?"

Was he... was that a double sense? Because honestly, my day was weird enough without a pervert demon trying to have his way with me. Okay, I could think of worse things, but it was the principle of the thing. I had already been forced to be the damsel in distress, I was not going to be "hapless innocent heroine romanced by supernatural beings" to the list. It was a matter of pride.

" Just so we are on the same page, are you hitting on me?"

There was a hiccup in his flight pattern, and when I forced myself to open my eyes I noticed that he had started laughing.

" Maybe? What would you do if I were hitting on you?"

" Well, you are the only thing keeping me from splattering on the ground, so there is not much I can do.", I admitted:" But I am not really in the mood for that. I am in the mood for straight, complete, unambiguous answers."

" As you wish.", he conceded.

" Are you quoting "The Princess Bride" at me?", I inquired, incredulous. He stared back at me with sincere confusion.

" What?"

" Never mind. Back to the point. Where are we going?"

His yellow eyes looked at something in front of us, but I was not going to follow his gaze and risk accidentally seeing how high we actually were. I would probably start screaming.

" Just explain, okay? Please?"

" There are ruins on that mountain we are approaching. An ancient city, destroyed thousands of years ago, and untouched by the madness that is wasting this land. You will be safe there."

Ah, abandoned city. Nice place to kill a girl without witnesses. But he could have already done that, so maybe it was time to stop being so pessimist. Not that I could do anything about it, anyway. But I could at least make the most of his chatty mode.

" And what is this land, exactly? I am... a foreigner."

" Yes, I could see that."

" It's the haircut, isn't it?"

He looked at me for a second, and I clarified:

" I was joking. That was a joke."

He laughed again. He had a weird laugh, a bit grating, but not really annoying. At least, I had heard worse.

" You get double senses and you joke. You are definitely not from here."

" Really? Is this place this much boring? I mean, the wannabe cultists were quite on the comically serious side, but I thought it came with being undead."

He shook his head, still laughing:

" They are elves. They look like that all the time."

" Wow. And here I thought that was a stereotype propagated by fanfictions."

He stopped laughing to give me another confused gaze, and I shrugged, as much as I could shrug while holding onto somebody with all my strength:

" Never mind. You don't want to know, trust me."

" Talking about that, what do they say about elves?"

" What?", Now it was my turn to look confused.

" When you were talking to them you said that maybe they did not need women because "you know what they say about elves". What is that?"

I felt a bit embarrassed that something I had said on the spur on the moment could become a very complicated conversation about stereotypes and sexuality and all that stuff. I had no idea how things worked in this world. On the bright side, I was not in my world, and not on an Internet forum, so there was a chance the conversation could actually follow a logical pattern and not develop into a shouting match filled with slogans, personal insults and trolling from both sides. I may have been the one doing the trolling a few times. Yeah, I am a horrible person. Just in case you did not notice it yet. Anyway, I was spared the problem when I realized a little something.

" Wait. You were listening? That means you were there from the beginning?"

He looked away. Was it just an impression, or was he embarrassed too?

" Oh, here we go. Landing now!"

Before I could call him on his coward deflection to my own clever deflection, we were on the ground. He let me down gently, and I wobbled on my legs for a few seconds before finding a balance. And then I remembered the main reason for starting the conversation in the first place. Luckily, I immediately spotted some large, dark bushes.

" I really need a few moments to relieve myself. Any chance you could look away for a few minutes while I use those bushes?"

He looked very confused, which was starting to seem very normal to me. Maybe I was just a confusing person. I decided to clarify:

" I need to pee. Okay?"

His face did not show any sign that this was okay or actually an understandable concept. I went for the indirect approach.

" Listen, just wait for me for a few minutes, please? I swear I will be back."

" Oh. I'll wait here, I suppose.", he answered, sitting down on the ground. His wings had disappeared, and his red hair was not so spiky anymore. Demon or not, at least the wind could still get to him.

I walked purposefully slowly towards the bush, to show him that I was not running away. Also, my legs still felt like jelly from the panic of flying, but I liked to pretend to have another reason. When I glanced back, he was still sitting and very concentrated on the sky above his head.

I took a few steps into the bushes, before noticing that between the luscious dark green leaves there were quite a lot of thorny vines, which meant getting further was not a good option for somebody who was not into sadomasochism. Which I am still not, despite what other sources keep saying.

I did what I had to do, suddenly grateful to my parents for those few attempts at camping. At least there were no anthills. Or poisonous ivy. That had been a very bad camping trip. I shuddered at the thought, and inspected the leaves. They did not look very poisonous, but neither had the ivy, and I had spent the night on my stomach wishing death would come soon. But well, paper tissues were not available, I did not have much choice.

On the bright side, the leaves felt quite soft and comfortable when I used them. On the other, when I discarded them on the ground I noticed I had just peed on a skull.

Okay, I'm going to admit it. I screamed.