Christabel's guide to necromancy and world domination

Why am I tied up again?

I woke up and immediately wondered what it was with fantasy people and their unhealthy fetish for bondage. Yes, I was tied up again. Yes, I was tied on a stone slab, ankles and wrists tightly bound by... nope, not ropes this time, I realized attempting to look without dislocating my abused neck. Chains. Glittery chains.

Above me was a ceiling of multicolored glass, and swarms of butterflies were flying in the air. There was a strong, sweet smell of flowers, and birds chirping merrily from all directions.

" I am going to feel sick.", I announced. I was not sure if it was the smell, the fact that I had just been narcotized, the not so relaxing walk in the forest of killer trees that had come before that, or the please-never-do-it-again experience of being whisked away in the sky and then dumped in said forest, which may or may not have given me a concussion. Anyway, I was really going to feel sick, and I did not want to choke on my own vomit or something like that just because people in this forest could not go a day without tying me up. Creepy perverts.

" Hey? Anyone here? I am really going to feel sick, you know?", I added. Still no answers, just chirping. Maybe I had been kidnapped by evil birds. Except there were not birds anywhere, just a lot of nausea-inducing rainbow butterflies. One of them had moved away from her swarm and was now approaching my nose.

It was not a butterfly. Well, she was not a butterfly.

I had just been kidnapped by fairies.

The creature that was now hovering just above my nose was not bigger than my hand, and that was including the large sapphire wings that sprouted from her back. She was also definitely a she. I could tell because she was almost naked, her aquamarine body just covered by very strategically-placed little flowers.

I had just been kidnapped by naked fairies. Yep, that settled it. I was obviously in a comic book, and it was not even a kid-friendly one. Literally the only element going against that theory was that my chest was still too flat for that.

The little pervert fairy was chirping something. I realized that they had been the ones doing that noise, in the forest, and not birds. One mystery solved, that left just... everything else. I was almost sure that there were words somewhere in the endless stream of high-pitched sounds, but I could not even understand if she was talking my language. Which would have been weird, since there was no reason for a fairy to know English. Unless Peter Pan taught them. No, I was almost sure those fairies wore dresses, it was a children book after all. Well, the dwarves talked English, now that I thought about it. Another mystery to replace the solved one, lucky me.

" Can you just... slow down a bit?", I suggested. She stopped chirping and came even nearer, her small feet touching my nose. I fought against an urge to sneeze. I was not sure what would happen, but "death of a thousand enraged mini-fairies because I killed their queen by sneezing on her" would not look good on my heroine curriculum. Or on any curriculum. Or it would not be good, period.

Luckily, before I could explode, she flew away again, joining a swarm of other fairies. Once again, there was much chirping. I waited, patient. Maybe they were deciding that I was harmless and that they were going to let me go, right?

Yeah, right. Story of your life.

" You don't look like an elf.", said a voice next to my left ear, making me jolt. I turned, and saw a small fluffy gray rabbit watching me.

Well, not a rabbit, a hare. A hare that was walking on two legs, wearing a red waistcoat, and holding a sword as big as him. For a second, all I could think about was that my childhood dream of ending up in Redwall had never come this close to becoming a reality.

" You don't look like an orc, either. Or a dwarf."

" I am not. I am... a foreigner. From another place. I am not supposed to be here.", I said, my inner child still squealing with delight at the idea of a warrior hare.

" Well, that's sure.", muttered the hare:" There is plenty of weird things in this forest, and most of them are not supposed to be here. You look alive, but what are you? A demon? Some kind of experiment by the Dark lord? Or something created by that other monster?"

Wait. Dark Lord? Wasn't it... he... an Ancient Evil? Jeez, people, try to be coherent.

" I don't know what you are talking about.", I admitted: " But if you have problems with a guy with bat wings that may have killed everybody on the mountain near here, we are on the same boat."

The hare jumped next to me and examined me very carefully. I forced myself to avoid squealing. He was just so cute! Well, admitting he was a him. I was not sure. I am not an expert in hares, okay?

" So, you know what I am talking about."

" He kidnapped me! And then I fell into this forest, and I could not find a way out, so I walked until I fell asleep.", I explained. Honesty was the best solution. Honestly omitting everything that could be misunderstood, like the part where the mysterious guy had already saved my life once, was even better.

The hare took a step back, and a dozen fairies descended on him. A few of them sat on his ears, and it looked adorable. They started whispering something that I could not understand. It looked like they did not agree about something. Maybe the way to kill me.

Light up, Chris, maybe they like you.

Yeah, and maybe pigs fly... oh wait, fantasy world, they probably do.

After a few long minutes in which I meditated on the opportunity to use my last wish to make the hare shout "Eulalia!", the talking animal came back, a few fairies still on his head.

" You said the monster kidnapped you. From where?"

Tricky question, since I was not sure how the magical hare and his fairy friends (wow, it really sounded like a psychedelic rock band) felt on the subject of accidentally raising an army of undead dwarves. So I went for the technically true approach:

" I was with some friends. We were on the mountain, looking for... bones. And ancient things. You see, I study ancient things."

One of the fairies said something, and the hare nodded, a thoughtful expression on his muzzle.

" Well, it looks like you were very lucky, girl. There is something bad on that mountain, and I can't really promise you your friends are all right."

" They were fine when I was taken away from them.", I answered:" I mean, I have not been there for long, and I don't know most of the mountain, but they..."

The hare interrupted me:" You and your friends chose the worst possible time for your... studies, girl. Something has just awakened on that mountain."

" That monster..."

" That monster has been preying on our land for a very long time, but now there is something else. Just yesterday our explorers warned us about abominable creatures lurking around the mountain, dark dangerous creatures... if your friends met them, well. It's probably too late."

Oh wow. Just what I needed. Another bunch of creepy monsters. Maybe he was talking about the undead elves... so they had not been there for long? They had arrived just in time to welcome me? How nice of them.

" They say there are undead skeletons on that mountain. We can just hope they and that monster destroy each other before coming for us, but such dark creatures are probably plotting together to destroy us all."

Oh, so it was not about the elves. Now, how should I tell them that the skeletons are friendly, and that I am the one who raised them from death?