Christabel's guide to necromancy and world domination

Orcs have a personality, who would have guessed?

When the sun went down, we started our trek to the ominous tower looming on the horizon. I had managed a few hours of rest, but actual sleep under a smelly dead worm had proved impossible. On the bright side, I had found out that this world did not have many flies, or that they did not fancy dead giant worms, because they had not annoyed us.

Delindemin had disappeared for a while and come back with water and berries, which I had gladly accepted. The water was fresh and clear, and the berries were sweet and juicy, but I found myself wishing there was a fast food somewhere. Next mission, introduce hamburgers and hot dogs to that place. I was starving. Oh, and I would exterminate an army of Orcs for a cup of coffee.

The trek was easier than I had expected, and the two moons above us were shining brightly on our path. The plains we were crossing were littered with large boulders, and every once in a while the elf would drag me behind one of those, and we would wait there. Delindemin had weapons, hunting knives and a bow and arrows, of course. There was just no way an elf, even an undead one, could go around without bow and arrows, not in this kind of universe. I had borrowed a knife from her, but I was really hoping I did not need to use it. I had a feeling it would be easier to hurt myself than an enemy.

The reason for hiding was usually nothing, but a few times the alarm paid off and small groups of Orcs marched on the path we would have been on, patrolling to the trembling light of torches. They looked relaxed, and what I could hear of their chatting was just jokes and complaints. Not what you would expect for your standard mindless brute minions. They actually sounded like some of the more well-adjusted people I met so far. Well, working for an evil overlord who made magical giant worms aside, of course.

After a few hours of walking, we arrived to some buildings, small huts made out of boulders and wood. They looked very improvised, put together with scrapes, and also very new. My guide signaled me to crouch behind a wall, and we waited while a few more Orcs passed by.

"I keep telling you, you have to be home before curfew!", hissed a nervous voice:" If the master finds you outside, he will feed you to the wraiths!"

"But Mom, I wanted to see the funny lights, and..."

"No but, young girl, we'll see what your father has to say about it!"

Definite proof that motherhood and its favorite sentences were an universal archetype. I was willing to bet that the father would be welcomed home with a "You have to say something to your daughter, do you know what she did today?".

Next to me, the elf looked confused. I waited under we were alone again, and whispered:

"What's the problem?"

"They look so... normal. Like they are real people, and not monsters. It's strange."

Wow. The poster girl for stereotyped fantasy racism was actually second-guessing her opinions. Maybe she was on her way to become a good, multidimensional character.

"Well, they are real people, I suppose. You were just enemies, so you did not think about it", I suggested:"But now we have to focus on getting to the tower without being seen, okay?"

She nodded, and slid through the shadow like some kind of ninja. I followed like a... well, not a ninja, that was for sure. Maybe an awkward monkey pretending to be a ninja. But it looked like there were not other people outside, probably thanks to the curfew the Orc mother had just mentioned.

The tall building we were heading towards towered (yeah, pun intended) over the small huts. It was made in stone, and the more we got near, the more it looked weird. It was like somebody had slapped pieces of different buildings together without a thought about architectonic coherence. There was a part with gargoyles, and another with slim spiral columns, and another yet with large red windows, and so on, until a flat roof. Huh, weird, I would have expected a giant flaming eye. Honestly, it was like somebody had googled "the best evil lairs" and then copied and pasted everything he liked. Which I know because I used to google "best evil lairs" at least once a week. It just missed the skull-shaped volcano island, but maybe this Evil Overlord was keeping that as a vacation place.

There was a large space between the huts and the tower, and there were some large trenches in it, with wooden bars over them. There was a sound coming from inside them, a sort of low, off-tone moaning.

On my side, Delindemin let out a choked sound, and then she whispered:

"They have wraiths there."

"Wraiths?", I echoed, while my mind checked off another creature in the list of cliched things I was obviously going to find in a fantasy world.

"They are incorporeal dark creatures who feed off other beings' life energy. They are incredibly dangerous, and almost impossible to kill. There used to be some of those roaming in these plains even before the... well, the accident, but even the orcs feared them. This master they talk about must be very powerful, to keep them under his control."

With the way things had been going lately, I was almost sure that I was going to get at least a friendly wraith following me around like a puppy. I'll admit that the idea did not sound totally bad... okay, it sounded very cool, but I had more than enough problems. For example, finding out where the flying machines were, and if I could steal one of them. Or if I was ever going to get a skull-shaped volcano island evil lair.

"Hide!", ordered the elf, pulling me in the shadows of the nearest huts. Somebody was leaving the tower, two tall, large figures coming in our direction through the empty path between the two trenches.

"I hope he stays distracted with his new toy for a long time.", grunted one of them, passing near our hiding place. "If he keeps obsessing over those giant worms, we'll run out of materials to rebuild our homes every time they make an earthquake near here."

"Don't speak so loud! We are still too near!", hissed the second Orc, looking nervously at the tower behind him. "Come on, it's been a long day, I just want to get home."

They disappeared around a corner, and I let out the breath I had been holding. So, to recap, the evil overlord was a terrible employer and he did not care about security at all, which was further proved by how we had managed to sneak that far without being spotted. I wondered if I could start a revolution to depose him, and then kicked that thought out of my mind. Remember, Christabel, your goal is staying alive and finding a way home. No re-enacting Les Miserables with a happy ending.

"Do you see anything that could contain a flying machine?", I whispered to my companion.

She shook her head. "I don't even know what that is supposed to look like."

Fair enough, I had no idea either. I was just sure that we could cross out the wraith pits. Now, if I were an evil overlord with an obvious lack of design skills and no concern for the most basic security measures, where would I put a flying machine?

I looked up. The top of the tower was very flat, and it looked too simple for the kind of over-the-top pastiche style the rest of the tower was aiming for. If I squeezed my eyes and looked very hard, I could see something shimmering on top. Also, of course there was no way I could avoid my usual luck of being thrust in the most dangerous places around.

"I bet the flying machines are on top of the tower.", I sighed.

"I can see something on top of it, yes.", confirmed the elf:"There are shapes that look like wings. Of course you would spot it, Mistress, you are so intelligent!"

And that was how I found myself planning a way to sneak into the Evil overlord's tower, surrounded by Orcs, with an undead elf that thought I was a powerful necromancer and an almost empty stomach.

Such fun.