Delicate Heart

ch. 7: delicate

I keep running until I end up right back at the apartments where I started. I look up at the tall building; exhausted from running for so long for such a long distance. My hands grabbing my knees as I bend over to catch my breath. Then I walk slowly to the entrance, on the verge of tears once again, knowing that Hiroki won't be there waiting.

As I open the door and kick off each shoe at the entrance all I hear is silence. I walk into my bedroom and loosen my tie, throw my coat and tie onto the side of my bed, then I flop onto the bed as well. I let out a big 'sigh' and grab my pillow for comfort but end up wrapping it around my arms squeezing it in anger, sadness, and frustration. I push my face into the pillow as if to make me invisible. I lift my head a little so that I can see out of one of my eyes, but I can't see a thing... everything is blurry and I can feel liquid running down my cheeks... I'm crying...

I close my eyes and cover my face once again. 'All I can think about is Hiroki and that stupid girl! Ugh! Why is it that he is all I can ever think about? Why does he fill my brain with thoughts of him? Why does my heart ach when I think of him? And why can't I stop loving him?', I think to myself.
'I have no choice, I have to try to stop, stop loving him so much, and start trying to be the friend he thought I was from the beginning. I shouldn't have fallen for him, I should have kept my guard up the whole time, but he just keeps knocking it back down somehow... and I'm scared.
I'm scared of losing him again, but for a different reason. The reason being that I'm gay and that I-I love him. I hold the pillow tighter as the pain in my chest grows. My heart seems so delicate... like a little bird, and that if I hold onto it too tight, it just might break. I cry myself to sleep, thinking about all of what's happening until there are no more tears left to shed.