The Truth.

May 14th 2014,

Well.. I decided its time I get things off my mind.. I am 13, soon to be 14 on June 25. On May 3rd I got out of a psychiatric facility for suicidal tendencies, obsessive cutting, hallucinations, aggression towards myself and family, and substance abuse.. While I was there I got diagnosed with Traits of multiple personality disorder. And almost got ruled out for O.D.D (Oppositional Defiance Disorder.) because of my mom and I's past and present history of conflict. I lived at the center for an exact term of five monthes.. I had been to four acute centers before, that's just counting how many times I got accepted, sometimes they didn't have enough room for me or I wasn't a big enough liability to myself or others for them to take me.. But as I sit here and write this, I realize something.. Maybe I'm unfixable? The first time I ever went into a hospital was in 2011.. And I had just turned 11. I've been cutting since I was 9 or 10. But the thing is, I'm certain I'll be back at the center soon.. Back in a residential, due to the fact I've only been home for a total of 11 days and I'm already close to relapse.. Sometimes I wish I could just erase it.. Erase the sadness, the hopelessness,the tears,the dark past.. Damn, maybe I am crazy.. The staff at the Acute center know me when they see me, they even welcome me back and say "What was it this time?" I usually say the same old shit "Cutting" occasionally I'd say " Tried to kill myself,yet again, failed,yet again though." I used to have a journal with all my thoughts that lead up to my last stay in the acute center. But I lost it, along with my sleek new razor that took a TON of patience to steal.. Kinda bummed out about it. >~< ! But what do I expect? I cut my wrists, not deep enough , but enough to earn myself a room check. It was hidden in the giant shell on my dresser.. After I went into the hospital, my mom changed EVERYTHING in my room, to make sure I wouldn't attempt anything again. And I occasionally get a room check, since all the previous hiding places she knows where to look. But the fact that she changed my furniture limits my resources.. By a lot. Don't get me wrong, if I absolutely need it I can get it. There's probably 20 things in this room right now that I could cut with. Bright side of of coming out if the hospital: No school.

One Dark side of not going to school: More time to think. That's quite possibly my biggest problem. I OVER-Think just about everything. Well anyways.. I should probably go now.. Got a lot to think about. Since "Goodbye" sounds too long I'll say See You Later..

Sincerely,

Me?

^~^

' '