The broken

....

And so it began again, the downward spiral into insanity, the deep hatred for myself. Being careless with my meaningless life. Slowly falling back down into that deep hole filled with regrets and nothingness. Yet feeling absolutely nothing. At first it was quite enjoyable, not feeling anything. But as a human emotion is something you are supposed to feel.
So then started the whole trying to feel something, anything. I'm a complete bitch to people I once cared about, I take too many pills, I starve myself, I walk out into the road hoping to feel something, fear, and yet I get nothing. How can I feel something, how can I be back in control? What other self destructive behaviors can I do to feel something.
Cutting? Drugs? Sex? Putting a gun to my head?
I need to feel something.

Whenever I hear the word broken, I think of it as being able to be fixed, it may not be an easy fix, it might take time and effort but anything broken can be fixed. On the other hand, if something is shattered, there is no fixing it, it can't be repaired. No matter how much time and effort you put into trying to fix something that is shattered... it can never be fixed.
I have realized that I am shattered.