SWEET NOTHINGS - S. LILLIS

"you're going to be okay"

dying is a blind, terrible, heart wrenching sensation. to put it as best as i can, it's like going onto a rollercoaster blindfolded. it has ups and downs, and you have to sit and wait for the inevitable to come. i feel as if i'm perched in the front seat, eyes shut so tightly that sparks flick behind my eyelids, and i'm simply waiting for the drop to come. it's excruciating, and exhilerating in the worst way. the pain-the reminder of the inevitable-is not always tangible, but it's there. you can feel it in your lungs when you laugh or sing, and see it in your reflection, even when you're smiling. and even worse, you can see it in the people around you. it's infectious.
the blue of sophia's eyes have always been my favorite color. but when her mind became blue, i wanted nothing but to color her brilliantly again. even when she laughed, it was deep blue, and her smile was a soft periwinkle that is much like the calm before a storm. even then, she was so so beautiful. if i go to heaven, i hope everything is as lovely as sophia. i think then i could be okay.

"everything hurts," i told her, because it was true. walking to central park was a task that my legs protested with every step. but i wanted to be normal, i wanted to be sophia and oakley. she looked at me, and it was just as beautiful as the very first time.
"do you want to go home?" the answer was no, and i think she knew it. i rested my head on her shoulder, and her long fingers came to rest at the nape of my neck. we bathed in the sweet silence, or what qualified as silence in the middle of new york city, at least.
"i'm never going to forget days like this," i admitted, and her fingers brushed over my skin, like i was a violin, and all i could do was shiver and let her.

"i hope not." she let out a sigh, and when i looked at her face, her expression was one i couldn't read. "i love you, jane." sometimes she called me by my middle name, and it sounded like music. i always loved it when she did that. i think i always will.

"i love you too." and for the first time since our very first kiss, i kissed her before she had the chance to. she tasted like vanilla, like the ice cream she got on the day we met. when we pulled apart, she had tears in her eyes. i didn't know what to do, so i kissed the space just below where her eyelashes touched her cheek. when she spoke, she did so without meeting my eye.

"you're going to be okay," she said. and for the first time in my life, i couldn't bring myself to believe her.

-oakley

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a/n: i think this book is coming to an end soon. thank you to everyone who has read it so far, and to the one person who continuously votes on this book, it means the whole world to me 💓💓