SWEET NOTHINGS - S. LILLIS

"it hurts"

for sophia, getting drunk became something frequent. especially once she had broken up with summer, and the girl had left a box of memories on sophia's porch. she would come over to my house, alcohol on her breath and a smile on her lips, and she would kiss me like she meant it. drunk sophia loved me, but sober sophia refused to talk about it in the light of morning. it became a routine, and not a good one. i ached to have her love me, but not like this. this love was bittersweet and reeked of cheap beer.
it was another sunday afternoon, and we were in central park, as always. but sophia was merely picking at her pretzel, looking off into the distance with a glazed look in her eyes. i'm sure she had a massive hangover, but that wasn't new. i folded my legs up onto the bench so i could face her, and i somehow found the courage to speak when her blue eyes met mine.

"soph, i don't know what's been going on with you lately, but it's not okay." she blinked at me, surprised. i had never been someone who could say no to her, but now it was different. "you can't keep getting drunk and playing with my feelings. it's not good for either of us." she seemed to drink in my words. i'm sure they were bitter to taste.

"oakley, you don't understand." i think i did. "it hurts." yes, i definitely understood.

"i know. but you can't just drown what you're feeling and project it onto me. it hurts me, too." i touched her knee, and she flinched away.

"you're dying, oakley." she was right, of course. the call had told me so. the doctors apologized, but i didn't really hear them. there was nothing they could do.

"that doesn't mean you have to die with me." if anything, i wanted her to live on forever. she was the most beautiful part of me.

"i don't want you to leave." she confessed. she touched my hand, and it wasn't like the other times. it was sober, and real.

"i don't want to leave, either." i intertwined our fingers together, and it felt right. this time, she didn't flinch. we sat in the middle of central park together, hand in hand and heart in heart. and i didn't feel like i was dying. i felt alive.

-oakley