The Idiot I Am

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by annlhaureliej

by annlhaureliej

I would be the only one to fall for the one guy she knows she can't have.

It's not like there wasn't a chance I just acted like my usual pessimistic self, which caused me to ruin something that had the potential to be beautiful. All my friends say "you never know, just keep hoping", but I don't want to hope anymore. Everytime I listen to everyone I just ended up with my feelings hurt. Just like when I finally gave in and told him how I felt after about a year and a half, I had that hope that me coming out and telling him would make him confess the one thing I fantasized him doing since the moment I knew I liked him.

The moment he said we can't my heart was crushed, it was bittersweet if that's even possible. Sweet because I finally got rid of this looming feeling and the constant wondering of what his response would be. Yet oh so very bitter, like black licorice, because it wasn't the response I had imagined nor the one I wanted, not even close. Good thing I decided to do it via text message so he couldn't see my expression when my heart dropped. It was weird because usually I think about it for a couple of days and then I am on to the next, but with him it was different he was different.

I only ever told my best friend why I ever liked him, I was hoping he'd ask me so he could understand and give it a chance.

It's been months since I've told him and I think I'm in a good head space, but I still remember all the reasons I liked him.

Reasons Why: (since he won't ever know)

1. He makes me smile

2. Let's me know how beautiful I am even when I don't see it

3. He notices me, he knows me well enough that he knows when I'm faking my smile

4. He's honest with me, even if it's not what I want to hear

5. My mom loves him and so does my brother

6. He tries to understand why I am the way I am

7. He lets me in and lets me see the side of him that many others don't

8. Let's not forget he's just good eye candy, even before everyone else started to notice

9. It's effortless with him, we click just like a snapple bottle top

10. He's my best friend

Now don't start with the whole cliche "oh of course it's her best friend", because he was and he still is. I'd want him in my life regardless. Even if we have to continue as friends because it's better than him not being there. Without him it'd be an empty hole that no else could fill. Even if he doesn't realize how much I like him.

To be frankly honest I've never loved anyone, but maybe just maybe it could have been him. I know for a fact it was not love because feelings have to first be reciprocated in order for there to be love, in my opinion.

You know what makes me more of an idiot just when I start looking at other guys and feeling good again, I had to ask him the stupid question of why he didn't feel the same. Only to find out he did, or does I'm not sure, felt the same. He just never told me and you'd think I'd be elated but it just crushed me all the more. He says he didn't want to risk it not working out and no longer having his best friend and I understand but I wish he had enough guts to just let me know. If I knew I wouldn't have spent months wondering why every other girl he talked to was worth his time and effort while I didn't. It would've saved me from comparing every physical and personality feature trying to figure out where I went wrong.

Some say he cared for me too much but I think that it was a coward thing for him to do, he should've just talked to me. My best friend asked me if I still liked him, and I can only tell her that there is going to always be a part of me that wonders what if.

Reminding me of the time we first met. He asked me once did I remember and I lied and said I didn't. I didn't want him to think I was weird for remembering such a small thing, especially since we didn't speak to each other until four months after that first encounter. Yet he remembered vividly and I was ecstatic, even more than when he first replied to my message. I wonder what we would've been like if I never asked a friend for his contact information. It seems like years ago. Things have changed too much we've met each other's family who gets along. He's one of the very few I trust with everything and that I'm not afraid to be vulnerable with.

Although every scenario I have of us finally getting together is exactly that a scenario, a dream something I wish for but won't happen. At least he's still in my life which is better than anything. I guess anyways.