Personal Thoughts: The Inner Workings of a Young Girl's Mind

Separation

Everybody knows that quote about how distance makes the heart grow fonder, but what if it really doesn't.

What if it really makes someone think and realize that what's been going on is not something they want. Things still feel the same but at the same time something seems off and almost different like I can see it yet can't make it a definitive answer.

I'm pretty sure it's all in my head yet at the same time I'm almost certain there has been a shift. The smiles still seem the same, jokes have not changed, still corny as ever. Yet my level of comfort has changed.

When on video chat with one another I try and position the camera in a way that makes me look cuter or more appealing. Something that I haven't done in forever, something I used to do when I thought he would find an excuse to hang up. Yet no matter how much I move or shift I still don't feel pretty enough.

Maybe it's because right before the separation he was constantly telling me how gorgeous I am, and now he does not acknowledge it.

I'm pretty sure I am overthinking as always but I can't help to get that feeling I had before. The feeling of not being pretty enough in his eyes no matter how pretty I thought I was in mine. So much to the point that my view of myself was starting to change.

It's a feeling that I hate, it makes me feel like my younger self once again. The me that had always feared her weight made her less of a person or that she did not have as pretty eyes as the next person.

The separation is something that makes you over analyze because it feels like a random shift has occurred. Wanting so badly to say something yet fearing that if I do and it was really nothing that things will change. That before everything that I thought I saw was my imagination and now have self-sabotaged and made it real.

The distance making it feel as though your special spot is no longer there. Fearing he's moved on to the next. Even though he was never yours, to begin with.

You hoped that the separation would've made him cling to you more and made him realize how much he wanted you. Like always everything is in my head my imagination got too inflated. Making me feel crushed once more.

The separation we both knew was coming yet not the one I expected nor wanted.