Caring for Carers - Minizerk

Chapter 13

The last thing Ethan can remember is the lights. They change, setting the street submerged in darkness aglow. Normally, Ethan would consider it pretty. They're like fairy lights, delicate, warm and familiar. This time, they flipped something in his brain.

He remembers being sat in the back of a taxi, a tube of digestive biscuits in hand. An unfamiliar man sits to his right and an unknown woman drives.

He remembers looking back over his shoulder, through the glass of the window, seeing his mother sobbing on
their doorstep, trying to keep a smile on her face so she could wave him away, keep him happy. She did everything to keep him happy.

He remembers the lights twinkling around the doorways of houses as he's ripped away from everything he's ever known, ever loved on the dreary afternoon of New Year's Eve.

He remembers, and that must have put his brain back in that mindset.

The next few minutes are a complete blur. Ethan's got no clue what he's doing, it's like he blacks out, transcends from his body and can't get back into it, no matter how hard he fights to. So when he comes back round again, to find himself pinned to the floor under Josh, he knows it happened again.

It's something he tried so hard to get rid of, tried to stop. Last time it happened, he got sent away from his Mum, away from the life he'd built for himself. He's lost everything he's ever loved before, and he doesn't want to do it again. He adores Josh, and doesn't want to see him hurt the same way Ethan feels like he hurt his mother - physically and emotionally. He doesn't want to lose him so quickly.

Although, Josh is doing the same thing Mum used to do when 'it' happened, he's holding him still. Gently, but firmly so that he doesn't attack anyone else, which Ethan is grateful for. He couldn't forgive himself if he hurt too many people when he couldn't get into his body. But he's also whispering to him. Telling him that it's okay, that he's not mad. He's telling him what's going on, what they can do, and it's grounding. Ethan feels like he's becoming himself again.

He's pulled up off the ground and into a hug, of sorts, and they leave. Ethan's grateful for that, as he doesn't want people staring at him after he's done that. It's embarrassing and traumatising, and he's anxious.

To an extent, Ethan's still in his headspace, repeating phrases from his childhood, or in particular from his experiences while he was sectioned.

Losing control like that feels like reliving it.

Josh tells him that he's a good man, near enough. Ethan's not too sure what it means to be a 'good man', but he's pretty sure he isn't one. Not if he's attacked Mum, if he's made her cry, physically bruised her, even if he didn't mean to.

He's glad that Josh doesn't hate him, though.

~~~~

When they get home, Josh helps Ethan up the stairs and into his room, and helps him to get his cold, wet clothes off. He finds him fresh clean ones, pulling out a pair of fluffy Christmas jumper patterned socks, and strokes them against Ethan's face, drawing a weak giggle from the emotionally drained boy. He unrolls them, from their ball-like shape that holds them together, before sliding them onto his feet.

Josh knows he's babying the boy a little, but the kid had just had a traumatic experience. He deserves some pampering after that, he thinks, as they return downstairs to the kitchen, where Josh prepares a hot water bottle for Ethan, whose face and side is slightly numb from the cold of the pavement, popping the kettle on to heat the water, and putting some milk in the microwave for hot chocolate, enough for Tobi to have some too.

The whole time they've been downstairs, it's been difficult to get Ethan to let go of him. He holds his hand at present, as they stand in the kitchen, waiting. Josh had made him let go so he could open the microwave and put the milk in safely, but Ethan had immediately grabbed the material of his t-shirt in hand, until Josh's were free again. It was clear he needed that reassurance, that normality, so Josh just kept being an idiot, trying to make Ethan laugh.