As I Am.......By Kennie Ellis

Chapter 25

Lisa kept interrogating.. Lisa look its none of your business just know this is done ok. Really Micheal we've been doing this a long time. I know Lisa don't you want a Man who can love You? And only You? I thought I was working on that.. Look Lisa I care about you, I really do but No I don't love you. Maybe not right this minute but you can learn too. We are good together especially when we screw.... (Lisa went to wrap her arms around his neck and Micheal pulled away) Dammit Micheal you can't just break it off like that... I mean we are that one that power couple brains, looks, money come on now. ( Lisa begin sounding piss and I could detect a little hurt in her voice).

Lisa it has been a long time and I do owe you an explanation, but   I don't have one right now all I know is I've fell in love, and this shit is new for me. I've never felt like this. Who's the Bitch? Tell me who she is?  I feel I deserve that . When I find out if the feelings are mutural  then I'll let you know.( Lisa stormed out of the office pissedas she walking away she yells)Fuck you Micheal Higgins you aint the only cooperate dick I can have. But I guarantee you're going to miss this pussy!!! 

Today I just sat back and thought about my life 50 years of wanting to be loved receiving just as much as I had to give. I've met a Man that's sweet, smart,funny,good looking, rich who may want me.. but really how can he.. I have to tell him about my past ..and if he can look at me the same way then it is my prayer that God will allow me to love...(I'm going to do it.. I'm going to be transparent  with Micheal) I'm so  afraid.......

I mustard up the courage to dial Micheal's number but I would hang up before he picked up. (Hell I forgot about caller ID) I did this about 2-other times. I finally realized I had to stop being so afraid and talk to this man. Call number 4 I allowed the rings to take its course . Hello, I was silent for a few seconds then I spoke Hello Micheal this is ME, Hello I was wondering if you could come over tonight so we can talk. Sure I'll bring dinner no thank you.. look I'll pick up something from Romano's  ahhh a simple pizza would do, sure ok what about 7 sure that's fine I'll see you then.   I actually called DJ at work asked if I could have the house tonight. I explained to her that I had invited Micheal over and I was going to open up to him. I'm so happy for you ME I know this is not easy for you... But I truly believe this man adores you... all of you ME and I'm glad that you're stepping out on faith and giving him a chance. Look I don't know whats going to happen but I know I can't keep allowing the dead tocontrol my life. I went to the grave yard and talked to Mom and Duke and I just feel better. I know if Mom was here she would say stop baby it's time.  Look I'll be over to Troy's if you need me you call me !!! I will thanks sis I love you . Love you too. 

So I cleaned up and the whole time I'm trying to go over in my head how I would talk to Micheal and invision how he would take the things I would say. When I would go there fear would consume me. It was now  almost 6pm I needed to tak a shower and change clothes . I put on a jogging suit something comfortable and tried to breathe and calm down. The self talk interventions came to play... But it wasnt working. I wanted to just call him and cancel this but I knew that wouldn't be right. So I did the Best and Only thing I knew to do and that was Pray!!!! so praying I did.   

I went home to take a shower and change clothes before I went over to ME's. I was thankful that she wants to talk to me. What if she turns me down? what if she doesnt't want me hmmmm that would be a first for me, not trying to sound cocky but the women I dated never said No usually they were the chasers I never had too be.   She is my first, damm I never thought of it that way until now. So this is what it feels like to want something so bad and terrified that she may not want you back. Micheal get out of your head you're reading to much you have to take it slow with her, don't scare her away (Why isn't me self talk technique working)  ...  I picked up a pizza on my way to her house and a six pack of soda althrough I could use something stronger ME doesn't drink. Whiledriving I called my Grandmother. I needed to hear her voice and gather some wisdom. (Called my Granmy) Hello Granmy this is Mikey,hi baby how are you, I'm fine I'm actually on my way to ME's house she called and she wants to talk to me. Granmy I'm nervous I havent been this nervous in God knows when. You know why? It's because you love her. I believe you're right I'm 54 years old and I'm acting like a school boy. I can talk to multi million dollar companies and I'm tongue twisted and nervous about talking to this one person how much sense does that make, Sweetie it makes a lot of sense,You've always had things easy, not that you're spoiled but you've had many conviences including women. I've prayed that you would find a woman that would make you work for her love and one that would love you unconditionally back. I seen that type of love in your eyes the first day you brought ME over, I knew it. Granmy how did you know and I didn't. You did know but you allowed your eyes and your flesh only to consume and direct what you wanted in the past this time you've allowed your heart too guide you. It became unguarded and that's why you didn't see this coming.What should I do ? allow you soul and your heart to guide you and trust it. Don't try to control it because there's certain things thats out of your hands and true love is one of them. Mikey it will be fine. I know it will, How do you know?