Loving Him

s i x t e e n

A/N: Sorry for dropping off of the face of the earth for many, many, months. I have been busy with college and trying to get that bread and that amazing GPA. Hope y'all understand! I am currently on winter break and I think I can find more time to write. Please understand if I am not able to. But next semester, I will be taking more women's studies related courses so I cannot wait to implement it all into this story! Happy reading. xoxo.

Hatred. That's all I could feel inside my heart. I hated Adam for what he put me through. I hated Braden for betraying my trust, using me. I hated my father for putting me in this mess, for convincing my naive self that I would love Adam, and that I did. I hated Julio for disappearing when I was younger and only talking to me via the phone. And most of all, I hated myself.

I choked back a sob as self hatred filled my veins. I hated myself. I hate me. I hate Belle. I hate who I am. Everything about me is worthless, disgusting, abused. I felt my chest heave and I started to dry sob. It felt almost fake to me, these emotions. No tears would leave my eyes as I curled into a ball but I kept letting out agonizing sounds. It sounded pathetic to me, but I couldn't stop. I could not stop these emotions from leaking. I kept wondering, how many times am I going to put myself through these emotions, these tears.

I heard the door open to my hospital room, but I did not care. I had nothing to lose, right? My dignity, my image, my very being was trashed. So I continued to curl into a ball and wailed to my heart's content.

A warm hand caressed my head. I welcomed it and continued my breakdown.

"Belle?" 

Julio? Yes, it was Julio. The only person I had. And maybe he also despised me. If it wasn't more pathetic, he wouldn't have to baby me and be here. He could have been at home, relaxing. Having a life. But no, I ruined it for everyone, including myself.

I shamefully looked up and met his eyes. He looked more tired than usual. The wrinkles on his face seemed to cut deeper into his skin and his eye bags looked bruised, as if someone had punched him. I really hoped it was not because of me that he looked frazzled. 

"Are you okay?" I heard myself asking.

Julio stared at me for a bit. Then his mouth cracked into a smile and he threw his head back, letting out a bellow of laughter.

At this, I felt a little smile creep on my face as well. It hurt to smile but it felt so good.

Julio looked back and me and let out a scoff. 

"You're asking me if I'm okay?" he asked.

"Yes?" I whispered, confused.

He smiled sadly at me and sat down on a chair beside the bed. Julio looked tired again. He reached his arms out and engulfed me in a hug.

"My love, I'm okay. Thank you for asking. But the one who should be asking that is me in regards to you."

"I'm okay." I whispered, as my voice cracked. Was I though? 

Julio let out a hum as he stroked my head. We stayed like that for a while. I did not know how much time had passed in his arms but I felt my eyes droop and my head fall. His body pulled away from me and he tucked me into the bed and made movements to leave. It felt so cold again. I shot out my arm and held onto Julio's arm.

"Please, don't leave me." I begged. I did not know what would happen if I was left alone again.

"I wouldn't leave you, Belle. I am always here." Julio whispered back.

At that, I closed my eyes and smiled, letting my hand relax and meet me by my side.

"Good night."

~

The next morning, I was met by a doctor

I got used to the empty, white hospital ceiling. It's all I knew for a good month while I came in and out of therapy for mental rehabilitation. The one who saved me that morning was Julio. I can't fathom to think what could have been if he hadn't came in at the time that he did.

Over the course of therapy, I learned to deal with my sleep paralysis and constant nightmares & trained myself to keep that realm separate from real life. I would like to think very much so that I had grown as a person. And, I think I did. I was trying to piece myself together with the help of Julio & many others.

And that is how my true journey begins.