Loving Him

n i n e

Nausea was something that I slowly became accustomed to as I took care of Adam. Vomiting though, was one thing I couldn't handle. I thought that starving myself would somehow cease all the vomiting but I just ending up hurling my stomach acid and it burned my throat. So, I just decided to eat to my heart's content even though I was aware of the fact that I would most likely throw it up soon.

I tried really hard to hide the fact that I was pregnant from Adam. Or I thought I was pregnant. Pregnancy tests, contrary to popular belief, are not accurate in the reading of a pregnancy. That's why I scheduled an appointment at the obstetrician's, just to be sure. I scheduled my test around a time that Adam was usually asleep at or taking a nap at, which was usually at 1 PM.

While waiting for the time to come around for me to leave, I decided to go to Adam and spend some time with him. My daily routine included telling Adam about the news, what's happening in the world, how his business is faring, what I did that day, etc. It felt nice that I could talk to him even though no facial emotions registered to any of my words because of his paralysis. But I saw the emotion in his eyes. He seemed like he almost cared. I may have read it wrong but I liked to think that that care could be one of the emotions that flickered in his eyes.

When 12:50 AM rolled around, I kissed Adam softly on his forehead, to which he closed his eyes to in acknowledgment.

"I'm going to the grocery store to stock up on some groceries. Braden is sick so he wasn't able to do it for me this week. Just take a nap and I'll be back." I said to Adam.

At the mention of Braden, his eyes narrowed. I guess he still wasn't too fond of my friend. Nothing I could do or say could convince him to feel otherwise. I gave Adam a tight smile before turning off the lights in his room.

Once I reached the OBYGN's office, I mentally repeated a mantra to myself. Stay calm, stay calm. The chants helped little to none for my hands were still clammy and I could still feel my heart thundering beneath my rib cage as if it was threatening to break out. Thankfully, my name was called pretty soon and I could push my stress to the bay.

I drummed my fingers on the exam table, anxious to see the test results. My feelings were conflicted. On one hand, I did not want a child at all. I did not want to have a child with Adam. If he abused me like such then what would come of this child? Would he treat them the same way as he did to me? But the thoughts of holding a little bundle to my chest, someone to call my own, always incites a feeling of pride and motherhood within my bosom. So, I decided that if I did happen to carry a child, I would not abort it. And if I wasn't pregnant, then fate was on my side.

As I was concluding my thoughts, my obstetrician, Dr. Stevens, walked in.

"Mrs. Pember, your test results have come back. Congratulations! You're pregnant."

Even though I did give myself a pep talk beforehand, I couldn't help but feel my world turn slowly. Everything happened in a blur. Dr. Stevens gave me all my information on how I should take care of myself and the fetus. I nodded numbly to his every word and held the care pamphlets so tightly to the point that my knuckles turned white.

The drive was hazy. I couldn't remember what roads I drove through or what landmarks I had seen. I could only remember thinking about the baby and how I would tell, or not tell, Adam.

I decided that just for two nights, I would stay away from home. And that was exactly what I did. I called in a temporary nurse to take care of Adam for the time being. I felt bad, I really did, but I needed a lot of time to think.

When I reached home the day after my break, my mind was still a mess. I felt as if I was on the brink of a breakdown and I was using everything within me to keep it at bay. I didn't even know if I could let it all out at the place I called home.

I turned the key in the lock and opened the door. I blinked at the brightness of my living room and recalled that I had left the blinds open the day before I left for my appointment. Maybe the nurse had taken the courtesy to open and close them according to daylight and daytime.

As I was about to make my way to the kitchen, I heard a deep voice coming from the couch.

"Belle." A deep command. A baritone voice that belonged to the man I both hated and loved.

I slowly turned around and my eyes grew wide. It was Adam. He was sitting calmly on the couch as if he wasn't paralyzed less than two days ago.

"A-Adam?" My voice choked out, partially in shock and mostly in horror.

He called my name once again as he stood up but before I could respond, my vision became blurry and I felt the ground meet my head.