High School Love Life

December

Update: Until this day it was nearly impossible to not think of Ezra. It was so sudden, like I was hit with the bus of reality, but I find myself thinking of him less and less. Of course it doesn't help that he still flirts with me, but I'm getting better. Thank. God.
Update: As of now my closest friends are Calvin, the Outliers, and my friend from school, Kennedy. School is going well, and so is my acting. I've improved and learned so much since the beginning of the semester.
Update: I've had my friend on my mind for a little while, and I don't know what my brain is trying to get at. It can't be romantic, and it definitely can't be sexual... maybe just sensual? Eh, I'll figure it out eventually. I'm just going to keep whatever this is to myself until I figure out what it is. If it ends up being nothing, then cool, we can go on living life. If it ends up being something... well, let's hope it isn't. I don't want anything to be awkward between us, you know?
Update: It's 11:11 and I'm finding myself wishing for Ezra again. When will this end? What happened to the other night when it was so easy to not think about him? What is wrong with my head?? Let me be, brain.
Update: I'm not sure if I'm just lonely or if what I'm feeling is real. I'm pretty sure it's just me craving affection, but oh well.
Update: Ah, jeez. Ezra came to me asking for a way for him to get over me/stop flirting with me, so I told him that I was feeling something(??) towards our friend. He thanked me. BUT THEN the next day he kept teasing me about liking the friend, EVEN THOUGH whatever I'm feeling towards him is not a crush, and I told Ezra so. So later that night I talked with him in private. It was originally just going to be a couple minutes long, me just trying to clear up that what I'm feeling towards our friend are platonic feelings, and I asked him to stop teasing me. That turned into a talk of how I have feelings for Ezra instead and how he has feelings for me. We talked about why we even broke up in the first place. We explained how our hearts and our heads are on different pages, so we're both confused. Our hearts are saying to be together and our heads are saying that it's a bad idea to. I tend to act more with my heart, and him his head, but that night it was flipped. Our conversation started out with how we can move on and just be friends, but then we started talking about all the things we loved about each other and how we didn't want to break up and we hugged a lot and then he told me that he loved me, and I immediately burst into tears. I couldn't be apart from him when we both still loved each other. He tried to kiss me so I told him no, even though I wanted to say yes, and he said yes even though he knew it would be best to say no. We didn't end up kissing, but we held one another in each others arms. Also, I told him not to, but he said he'd wait for me (not date anyone else) for 3/4 of a year, and then on my birthday he'd ask me out. (We have to wait until I turn 18 for legal reasons). I want him to go for it if he finds another person, but he is so stubborn and says he'll wait anyways. I thought all of that meant no flirting until my birthday, but today he started flirting with me again like if we were dating. I told him not to for now, but I want to talk to him about how much we should restrain ourselves for these next 9 months- if at all, to what extent. I wish I knew what to do. I don't want to be off and on anymore, but I want him so badly. I need clarity, dangit.
Update: My feelings for that friend I was talking about... was Juan. BUT today he came over and I realized that those feelings didn't mean anything, and I just think of him as a super cool dude bud friend. Now all I have to worry about is my conflicting feelings for Ezra.

Update: Ezra and I decided to date in secret!! He asked me on Christmas Eve. I'm so happy that we're finally together again.