ALL THE TAG CHALLENGES....

Ranting out my confusion

Hi guys, so I've decided that, for me personally, that until Friday, my tags and rants book will be dedicated to Jonghyun. Come Saturday, I will be migrating back to my usual posts.

Moving on in reality though, for myself, will be particularly difficult. This is because, as I have mentioned previously, in one of my earlier updates, I do not cry easily for serious matters such as death. In all my life, I have genuinely cried at only one funeral - which too, took place this year, rest in peace. Which is why I find my reaction to Jonghyun's death quite confusing, because I cried, not once, but many times over the span of two days, and it was over a - while, quite influential and beautiful and inspirational and talented - KPop star, that I wasn't too attached to.

I have been feeling quite misdirected and confused as to how I'm reacting for this, and I think the main causes for what I'm feeling are;

1) I had always admired Jonghyun for his talent and his cheerful outlook and his strong supportive messages to people in crisis, and the very revelation of the pain he had been hiding and how it had led him to death has given me a permanent shock

2) It was suicide. I have always been quite tense about suicide - not due to stupid reasons, such as a boyfriend leaving you, but more serious reasons such as mental illness triggers - and the fact that such a cheerful and sunny man had been clawing through depression so much that it had finally compelled him to do something this terrible - out of his own choice - still jolts me.

3) His final text message to his sister (I'm sorry, it was too raw and drastic and ominous. I still ponder over how much shock she must have got after receiving it)

4) His final letter

5) The pain of the other SHINee members, as well as those of (honorable mention, ofc there are so much more) Kai, Ravi, Han Seo Hee.

5.1) This fcking statement by the media (which I mentioned in a tweet of mine)... like NO. UNACCEPTABLE.

6) The fact that Minho - the same Minho who fainted out of exhaustion after sobbing over Jonghyun's passing - is the one at the funeral who is keeping up a strong outlook and hugging everyone who came to pay their respects and sending them off with smiles. It hurt me so much, coz I can only imagine what pain he is holding in, in order to allow the final moments of his leader, best friend, and brother to pass away respectfully.

7) The memorial/funeral photo of him - it was what made me finally break down into a proper cry, coz it showed him as he always had been; bright, youthful, smiling, beautiful, kind, and... alive. And it hurt me in ways, I never saw coming.

UPDATES THAT HAPPENED WHILE I WAS TYPING THIS (yes, I teared up while typing this);

8) Yoogeun's reaction to one of his Hello Baby 'dads' passing away

(I am not sharing anything about this this, because I. Am. Pissed. He's a child! WHY IS HIS PAIN BEING SHARED WITH THE ENTIRE WORLD???!!!??? HE'S AN ELEVEN YEAR OLD WHO JUST DISCOVERED THAT ONE OF HIS FAVOURITE PEOPLE HAS LEFT THE WORLD --- AND HE STILL DOESN'T EVEN UNDERSTAND DEATH PROPERLY!!! STOP SHARING HIS SORROW AND DEVASTATION! STOP BRINGING US MORE PAINFUL STORIES ABOUT JONGHYUN --- WE'VE HEARD ENOUGH HONESTLY!!!)

So yeah, I just wanted to rant out my confusion about all these depths of emotion I'm experiencing.
I'm sorry if I brought anyone down.
I just really needed to rant it all out. I'm really sorry.

There will roughly around three more updates on Jonghyun, most I hope to make PSAs about depression and such, so yeah... bear with me.

Love you guys, stay strong.

#RIPKimJonghyun
#StayStrongSHINee
#StayStrongShawols

♡Wanzi