Hidden Close (Jr. Year)

Chapter 55

Part 55 Of The First Draft

There is no way I can turn away from this now. I decided to call Becky, wishing to resolve it comfortably over the phone. Oh, how wrong I was, realizing that what I have gotten myself into was by far out of my comfort zone,

“Becky? Can we talk?”

“Sure. What’s up?”

“I wanted to talk about...how I feel about you.”

“That’s something I’ve been wondering about since I first talked to you, so please, share.”

“I like......I like....oh geez....”

I hung up the phone, too embarassed to say a word more. I texted Becky two simple words after the call,

“I’m sorry.”

Was it that I couldn't face her, or is it that I feel as if I owe it to Perry? Becky tried to text me several more times that night, and each text went unanswered. The next day at school, I faced her in person. I had spent all night dwelling on it, and that day I said what I had to say to her in the class we shared together,

“Becky...I like you, but I like Perry, too. I'm very confused, so please, treat me with care.”

Becky’s eyes locked on mine, and she searched for my sincerity. After finding it, she dropped the bomb on me,

“As long as you have Perry in your life, I'm not interested in you, at least not in that way.”

Rejection is never easy to take, even if I am being selfish. After a brief moment in which I collected my senses and rationality, I asked Becky,

“Can we just forget about this?”

Becky smiled, and gave me a subtle answer,

“Sure...for now....let’s focus on schoolwork, okay?”

For now? What is she trying to say? It's as if this doesn't matter to Becky. Why can't I express how I feel to her? At first I can't find the courage to tell her the truth, and now she won't let me say it to her. I can't ever understand this girl. I decided to lay it all on the line, and asked her,

“Go out on a date with me. I won't tell Lisa if you don't tell Perry. Please, let us see if there is a connection between us. I beg this of you.”

Becky sighed loudly, and then begrudgingly agreed,

“Fine. At least I will be able to say I went out with the legendary Mindi Jacobson. That's a real honor, or so I've heard from your boyfriend.....hm.”

Say what she might, I have to go out with Becky to see if I really truly am in love with Perry. This isn't about me, this isn't about Becky, it's all about him. I won't kiss her, I won't hold her hand. I won't cheat on Perry at all as long as we are together. I just need to be with Becky long enough to see if I want to be with her. I smiled at Becky with a fiendish grin, letting her know that this, despite all of its guidelines and rules, is the real thing.

“Good. Meet me at the Knoxville Downtown Cineplex. We'll be seeing that new romantic comedy. We have to go all in if we have only one night. Afterwards, I want to then decide if I want to kiss you. Oh, and so you know, if I kiss you, that means I'm dumping Perry....”

In my head, it was the right thing to do. Oh, it's funny how much our mind and our heart like to argue. This will be exactly the test I need. My heart needs to know that Perry isn't some guy that I was mesmerized by and married at the first possible moment. It's what he needs, too. From what he's said, I'm the first person that has ever captured his heart. He needs to know that I am strong enough to accept him as the type of suitor that I want. If he truly loves me, then he needs to have me choose him as the person I totally want to be with.

Later that week we met for our unofficial date, and Becky didn't pull any punches. It was January but she paid no attention to it and dressed in a rather alluring top and skirt. Her top was low cut and her skirt was well above her knees. Becky's hair was done up, revealing her rugged yet stunningly beautiful face. She smiled, and remarked,

“You said there was no rule about looking good.”

I smiled, feeling horribly underdressed. She took me by the arm, bought our tickets and proceeded into the theater. We sat down in the back, and we both paid a little attention to the movie, as each other was at the back of our minds. When the movie came to its climax, my hormones did too, and I grabbed Becky and made out with her. This was it. My body has made the decision for me. After we had finished our act, Becky looked at me, astonished, and asked,

“What does this mean?”

I sighed, and started to cry. I requested but one thing of her,

“Hide our relationship until I have the guts....and heart to tell Perry.”

Becky nodded, and we left the theater, heading to the Burger Shack down the street. My depression had kicked in as I have found out the truth about my bisexuality and how it is a dangerous thing. Will I be able to fully commit to Becky, or will I forever have him in the back of my mind? There is only one person I wanted to talk to right now, and she is someone who truly knows what I am going through. Maybe this time Lana will repay me for the evenings I spent holding her hand and reassuring her that life is worth living. I picked up my phone after I had seen Becky home, and texted Lana,

“SOS. I need your help. Please.”

When Lana finally found me, the inevitable happened, and I had cut myself five times. I had taken many sleeping pills, but was still fearlessly awake. I was silently screaming for Lana to save me as she has done before for me. Lana picked me up in her arms, and asked me,

“It’s about him, isn't it?”

I nodded, and said,

“Yes. I don't love him.”

She shook her head in disappointment, and said, sharply,

“Of course you do.”