Hidden Close (Jr. Year)

Chapter 56

Part 56 Of The First Draft

Some people would say that I did it all for attention, with no actual intent of killing myself. They are only half right. I don't want to die, but the reason why I tried to take my life was out of confusion and guilt. As Lana stroked my hair while my eyes were full of tears, I explained the situation to her,

“It just....happened. It was all one of my crazy ideas.”

Lana hushed me, and recounted,

“Oh, like I did with Wes and Clara, lest you forget? When you're bisexual, my dear, the one thing you want to know for sure is if you are with the right partner. You’ve done nothing wrong, after all, it was just one kiss.”

I defended my own irrationality,

“But..I liked it. Doesn't that mean that I don't truly love him?”

Lana answered me with a question of her own as she handed me a glass of water she had fetched previously,

“Doesn’t every woman need to know that they are with someone because they love them, and not just because they are settling for their mate? If you feel this guilty that must mean that Perry is quite the special guy.”

I drank the water she had given me, still unconvinced. Lana resorted to an underhand tactic, one that made me flare up with anger,

“Does this mean Perry is available?”

I whirled around, and hissed,

“I haven't broken up with him yet!”

Lana laughed, as if to hammer her point home. She then attested,

“Obviously you still love him. Why don't you just forget about what happened today and let Becky know that your love for Perry is too great for you to leave him behind?”

The tears started to fall once again like rain, and I curled up on my bed, thinking of only him. I told Lana, with all of my sincerity,

“Thanks, sis. You're a good friend.”

I turned over, and pretended to go to sleep. I thought about Perry and Becky all night, weighing the consequences of my actions. Lana had told Brad the truth when she had been seduced by Clara, the shapechanger that revealed himself as none other than Perry's uncle,  Danny. I decided to tell Perry the truth. It's what he deserves.

The next day I brought it up after school when Perry and I were alone. He freaked out, the sweat forming on his brow and the anger turning his face a blood red. He said, his emotion nearly turning his voice into an angry roar,

“Why did you do it?”

I explained in a hurry, hoping that he could see the light,

“I did it because I had feelings for Becky. I was confused, baby. Please, you have to forgive me.”

He then shouted at me, his anger breaking all of his reasoning,

“Oh? Do you still have feelings for her?”

I started to sob right there in the Eisens' backyard, and I asked, my voice beyond all measure of hope,

“I guess we are through, huh?”

Perry answered me with an even more confusing of a response,

“I....I got to get away from this town. My mother already said that we are moving away. We'll be in Atlanta within a week. Even if you didn’t kiss her we couldn't have stayed together. You're almost seventeen. If you really love me, find a way to see me, fight for me, Mindi, because I don't think I'm as strong as you. I'm sorry I hid the fact we were moving, but I didn't have the heart to tell you. Besides, it sounds like you already knew....”

I dropped to the ground, and begged him to stay,

“No....Perry...Perry....please....”

I couldn't stop him from leaving. They were all gone within a week, and I turned to Becky for consolation. Within weeks, we started to go steady, and Perry was fading from my mind. Yet, he stayed in my heart and I wrote him everyday. He never responded to one of my letters nor any of my texts. He must have given me the wrong address. Becky knew about my attempts to contact him, and told me,

“Forget about him you deserve better, or should I say, me?”

I hugged her, acting as if I believed her words. I kissed her deep, holding her close to me. I uttered,

“I love you, Becky. What would I have done without you?”

Becky laughed and teased me,

“You would probably have killed yourself, knowing you.”

It was sickening how much Becky knew about me. I had shared everything with her, even more than I had shared with Perry. I had been depressed for weeks, and we had spent entire days talking to each other, kissing and holding each others’ hands. We were young and crazy, and more than anything, I was out of my mind. With Perry gone, it feels as if all reality had been lost. I didn't know what to tell my parents, but they can see my pain, I just know it. Carlie had asked me one day about it, wondering exactly what I have been thinking,

“So, what happened?”

I sighed, and told her what I thought had been the truth,

“They didn't want us to be put in any more danger. They must see us as all weak, and I hate it.”

Carlie didn't strike any sort of impression, but instead reached forward and rubbed my back, reassuring me,

“None of us are weak. They just...love you. Consider it tough love. I know it seems like you'll never see the sun again, but trust me, you will. Whether it is with him, or Becky, you'll find your way.”

Carlie’s words were encouraging and uplifting, but despite it all, I could not feel anything except for pain and sorrow. I forced a smile, and got up and left Carlie, telling her,

“Thank you. I'll remember what you have said. I have some thinking to do, Carlie. I hope you understand.”

I walked away and up into my room, escaping my surroundings for a brief moment. The phone lit up, and it was Becky. She wanted to know if I was okay. I laughed as I realized she had been stalking me at the start of the school year and now she is my loving girlfriend. I cursed fate, and started to cry, not sure once again which way the wind will take me. Reality really does stink, and I can only hope that Perry will one day enter my life again and take me back into his hidden world.