Various x Reader [One-Shots]

John x Reader (Homestuck)

John

You are a young boy named John and today is your thirteenth birthday! Your friends have given you many good wishes and gifts and your girlfriend came over to visit. You especially appreciate that, because her parents never drive her so she has to walk over and she hates walking over. But she does it for you and that makes you happy, especially considering the fact that she is the most beautiful, most perfect person to ever exist, except for maybe one of those amazing actors whose faces adorn the posters on your walls.

John: Retrieve Arms From Chest

You retrieve your fake arms from your magic chest. You haven't done anything with them yet, but the sight of them makes your girlfriend laugh, so you count that as a win!

John: Captchalogue Girlfriend

Yeah, no. You don't even know if that's possible, and if it was you still wouldn't do it. What if you spaced out and captchalogued something else on accident? You wouldn't be able to remove your girlfriend from your sylladex without captchaloging a bunch of crap until she flew out of your sylladex and probably out the window. So no.

John: Bite Girlfriend

You grab your girlfriend's arm and bite it gently. She seems confused but does not appear to mind all that much.

John: Praise Girlfriend

You release your girlfriend's arm and go to stand on the bed. You'll need a raised platform for your upcoming speech. You then proceed to lavish such praise upon her that even your friend Dave would be impressed! Using your stellar vocabulary, you confess your love for every part of her being, from her soft hair, to her perfect eyes, to her gloriously full figure. God, you love her.

John: Pester Chums

Having once again made a long speech about your girlfriend, you go to your computer and open Pesterchum. You decide to pester Dave.

(Y/N)

You are a young girl named (Y/N). You have a variety of interests, but recently you've been most interested in your boyfriend, John, who is most definitely the most perfect person to ever exist ever, except maybe for Elvis or Johnny Cash.

(Y/N): Lick John

That seems like a reasonable thing to do! You go to where John is sitting at his computer and gently lick his throat. He does not seem to mind.

(Y/N): Message Dave

You have your own Pesterchum account of course, but you decide to just use John's. You lean forward and gently nudge John's hands from the keyboard and begin to type.

----
EB: Hey. Hey, guess what.

TG: oh no

EB: Come on, don't be like that.

TG: (Y/N), give john his computer back

EB: There is no John. There is only us. Fear us, Dave, for you are next.

TG: oh wow im so terrified

TG: yall got me just shaking in my custom leather boots over here

TG: bout to straight piss myself from all this fear

EB: As you should be, for we are Armageddon!

EB: (Y/N), no.

EB: Okay, something more mild, Taco Bell, maybe.

TG: holy shit

EB: Yep.

TG: starting to get some real fear now