Persona || Makoharu || Free!

•Night Time Thoughts•

-Makoto's pov-

I don't believe my bright smile and cheeky laugh was happiness anymore. The more I think about it, the more I don't understand why. Ran and Ren adore me, my parents are supportive of me, my friends are amazing, but I still hurt. I hurt deep in the bones. It is a type of hurt that says, "you are a mistake" and "you should not have been born."

I alway watch my friends with pride. Rin and Haru would go to the Olympics someday, Nagisa makes everyone around him laugh, Rei is the smartest guy I know, Gou is honest and hard working, and Sousuke, no matter how hard he tries to hide it, he cares about everyone he has met. I am nothing compared to that. I am good at nothing. All I am around for is to prop up my friends. They can find another prop whenever they want.

You know the question "why do you swim?" I have always answered that I swim because I want to be with my friends, but I'm at the point where that's not my reason. The reason I get in the pool everyday with the club, even though all I want to do is go home and curl up in my bed and sleep until doomsday, is to feel the sting of the water on my legs.

Ever since my first cut on my legs, that has been my reason. I want to feel the friction from my swimsuit and the searing pain of the chlorine against the wounds that will remind me of what I had done, but the pain feels good. It takes away from the other pain I feel. As long as I feel the slice of my razor through my flesh, I can stay alive another day for my friends and family.

Of course this is not stopping the crippling guilt I feel.

I feel like I'm betraying the people I care about.

What would the twins say if they found out? Will my friends abandon me if they knew I am like this?

I turn around and look at the sleeping Haru who is laying down close to me. I sigh and flip on my back so I can look up at the ceiling. The room is lit with the morning sunlight and the soft snore from Haru fill the room.

I am not looking forward to school tomorrow...