If Only...

Chapter 14

Today was another session with Taylor and  I really didn't know how to feel. I mean, I liked him and I was pretty sure that he likes me back, but I know that I couldnever be good enough for him. He needed someone good, whole, and most importantly not his patient. I was none of those things. I wish I could be, but I guess you can't change the past and who you are today because of it.

Work went by steadily. Washing dishes was not an overly glamerous job, but the people were nice to a point and there were no accidents, so I felt the day was an overal sucess.

As I was walking in Taylor's office I felt a sudden rush of nerves that stopped me in my tracks. Why was I nervous? Just the thought of spending time with Taylor made me nervous.

I smiled at the receptionist and went in to Taylor's office. He was sitting at our susal spot writing something in his notebook. Sometimes I wondered what he wrote in that notebook, but I was too nervous to ask him.

"Hey Cathy, how are you doing today?" He said, not bothering to look at me. He was still writing in his book. That annoyed me, but i tried not to let it show.

"I'm doing fine, how are you?" I said, looking at him, hoping that he would at least look at me once, but he never did.

"I'm great, just finishing up your papers to take to the court to show that you completed your court appointed sessions. Now if you still want to have sessions, I will be more than happy to keep you on as a patient, but I know that this isn't your favorite stop every week." He said, smiling at me. i smiled back at him, hoping to hide my internal disappointment. I enjoyed talking to Taylor every week, even though I had to pay him for it.

"That's great, thank you so much!" I said getting up thinking that we would not end up having this session and I was scolding myself for being nervous.

 "Hold on missy, where do you think you are going?" He asked, looking at me.

"Leaving? I thought you said we were done." I looked at him, confused.

"Not until after this session. Sorry." He did not look sorry at all. He looked like he was enjoying what he was doing.

"Oh, okay then. So where were we?" I asked, trying to appear nonchalant. I failed miserably, which caused Taylor to laugh.

"Wherever you want to be. This is your time." He smirked, amused at his own joke.

"Sure, whatever you say doc." I rolled my eyes at him, feeling like a child and not caring one bit. He deserved it.

"That was cute. So how are things going in your life, Cathy?" He asked.

"My life is going fine. I have a job that I can tolerate and people are starting to look me in the eye at church. I think some of them are surprised that I haven't broken up any families yet." I remarked with sarcasm.

"Do I hear sarcasm in your voice?"

"Yes, yes you do. I mean, I've changed. I'm not going to start ripping families apart because that's my reputation. I love how I got all of the blame and everyone one else involved gets to act like little innocents. It's a two way road. They didn't have to do anything. They could have left, but they didn't. They stayed and shared their secrets. Not everything is my fault, you know." I all but shouted at him. I'm not sure where all this anger is coming from, but it felt good to let it out.

"Yes, but you can't put all the blame on the other men either." I think he realized his mistake the second the words came from his mouth. I was in a yelling mood.

"What do you mean? Of course I know that I can't blame the other men. I know what I am! I know the consequences of my actions. I can never get what I want because of the stupid past. It's all stupid. I just wish for once people would just look me in the eye and try to accuse me. You know whenever someone says something bad about me the never look me in the eye. For once I want someone to be able to look me in the eye and say what they are thinking about me. They never give me a chance because they just assume that I am a no good person and they think I will never change.But guess what I have changed and it's still not good enough." I bellow, nor caring what he thinks about my outburst.

"Not good enough for who?" Taylor asks quietly.

"Everyone! I am not good enough for the people at church and the people at work. I'm not good enough to have friends or a boyfriend, or someone that generally cares about me. Someone that puts me first. I've done so many bad things so I have to be punished for the rest of my life. I get it, but sometimes it makes me hate myself." I commented more to myself than to Taylor. I was calming down from my rage. I really needed a way to vent my rage instead of letting it bottle up inside.

"Why do you say that you hate yourself sometimes?" He questioned.

"Because if my past wouldn't have happened maybe people would give me a chance." I whispered.

"Who would you like to chance?" What kind of question is that?

 "Everyone, I mean no one has ever taken a chance on me."

"I would" He whispers and kisses my forehead. I look him in the eyes and I know that he is telling the truth.

 I look at my watch and notice my time is up. I look at Taylor to see him staring at me.

"I have to go..." I whispered and started to make my way for the door when I heard him muuter.

"Of course you do." I wasn't in the mood to fight the statement, so I let it go.

I drove to my apartment and decided that a bubble bath would be a nice way to unwind from the stressful day.