His Kit Kat

Chapter 9

TEARDROPS AFTER TEARDROPS. SAD thoughts after sad thoughts.

Basically what depression was. As soon as I got into the shower which was one of my favourite things in the world, I silently allowed those tears to fall.

It was always the same, wasn't it? I get triggered by the tinest of things and lash out at everyone.

What was I?

A monster. A monster who cannot control its own negative feelings and spread it to people - Normal human beings - around it.

No, Jace did nothing wrong. All he wanted was to carry on the conversation but I ruined everything.

He might not even look at me after that anymore, because I was an insult to his reputation. He shouldn't be seen with me and even if he wanted to, I had broken whatever friendship we had.

I kicked the hot metal in the shower, cursing as pain shot through me.

But satisfaction ran through me.

Oh, how I wish I were a normal human being.

It's not that I wanted to hurt myself, but I couldn't help thinking that I deserved all these, the pain. After Cameron died...

I couldn't even think about it.

Pain and more pain coursed through me as I punched the wall around me repeatedly like a maniac.

I was trapped and there's no escape.

Depression is a funny thing; to the outside world, you look fine and perfectly normal, happy even, and nobody except you would know that inwardly you are damaging yourself emotionally and mentally every single day. Guilt, sadness...everything people say makes you think that it's mend to make fun of you. Whether it's just a basic joke of Donald Trump, you somehow find a way to link it back to you.

And the thing is, you know that it isn't about you.

Depression is like you're drowning, drowning so deep into the water that nobody is swimming in. There's nobody to help you unless you want to be helped. I want to be helped, but my parents would never let me have a therapist.

Apparently it's a waste to spend money on trash like me.

Yes, that's me. Useless like trash.

I sank onto the ground as soon as I got out of the bathroom. Call me dramatic, call me useless, this was part of my everyday life. It stopped when Jace came back for a while, but it resumed again.

Oh, Jace. I thought you had saved me...

Who would even want to help you, furthermore save you?

The sound of my parents' footsteps brought me back to the world. Hurriedly I got up and sat on the chair, pretending to be studying.

From the corner of my eyes I could see the door opening with my father peeking in.

A snort escaped him.

"Such a good girl... You never changed even when he died. Your aunt should learn from you, don't you think?" He said, closing the door behind him.

He always liked to have the last word.

And I wasn't in the mood to fight with him. So I let him go.

Another tear escaped me immediately as he slammed the door shut behind him.

My aunt was really depressed after Cameron left. Not depressed - Like me - but sad.