got lightning in a bottle || n.h au

thirty eight

"Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heal that has crushed it"
                                                    - Mark Twain

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

x Zahraa x

Zahraa,

I'd write "dear" Zahraa but I lost the right to call that years ago considering how my past actions were certainly not those you'd inflict upon someone you considered to be "dear" to you, so.

I'm sorry.

For absolutely everything. From when we were younger and I used to do freaking demented, cruel things to sabotage your happiness and endeavors, to now.

Especially now.

Those two little words are not enough to somehow fix the years of hurt that I've caused you, but you deserve an apology. You deserve a whole more to be honest. But the best start is "I'm sorry".

You deserve at least an explanation as to why I've done all these borderline shitty shitty and evil things to a person that I should've been taking care of the way an older cousin, bordering on sister, should.

It's simply embarrassing and quite petty really.

Envy.

That's what fueled my actions.
Pure envy and jealousy that I've felt towards you since we were crazy young. I was jealous of how well liked you were (even though you could never see it), how you just attracted attention just by being you and how comfortable you were with yourself. You didn't even need to try to make friends, your precious awkwardness just pulled them in. It's as if people just gravitated towards you whereas I had to try so hard for everything. You were this fun, sporty, witty little human, and it bothered me that I wasn't that way either.
 
So instead of being happy for you, I found petty, cruel, and despicable ways to get back at you for the resentment I felt. Unnecessary resentment, at that.

This doesn't make it better, but regarding that incident that happened when we were little, in some twisted way I was trying to protect you.

It was some vigilante move on my part.

In my warped perception, anyone that would easily believe something bad like that about someone they claimed to like, wasn't worthy of you. Still, I had no right to interfere. And I really am sorry.

I apologized to Nick for dragging him into my vendetta too. He was just pawn in my selfish game and it was awful, what I did. I know you're not fond of him. Both you and Niall to be honest, but he's not as shitty a person as you would think. Sure he has a dumb dumb way of expressing his true feelings and his grammar leaves something to be desired, but he's really not as bad as he acts. If you want, maybe you can let him explain himself.