Dear Gandang Natural
How are you?
Hindi pangit. We see each other almost everyday so asking how she is is dumb.
Dear Gandang Natural
Surprise! I have a note for you! Wala lang para maiba naman.
Nope. Erase erase. How will she take me seriously kung pajoke na naman ito.
Dear Jho
I've bee meaning to tell you this for sometime na. -
"Bei!" Napalingon naman ako sa mga kateammates ko, sabay-sabay nila kasi ako tinawag. Bakit ganyan ang mga mukha nila? Si Jia at Maddy mukhang concerned, yung iba naman mukhang galit?
Nilapitan agad ako ni Jia bago ko pa matanong kung anong nangyari.
"B, may naghahanap sayo sa labas. Hindi namin alam kung papapasukin namin...uhm." Ha? Sino kaya yun bakit nag-aalangan si Jia na sabihin sakin?
"Who? Bakit aligaga ka?"
"Si Jana." Ha? Wait, parang hindi ko maprocess.
"Jana? My Ja- I mean like Jana? you know?" Medyo nawala ata ako sa huisyo. I hate that I'm stuttering like a fool while just saying her name.
Tumango lang si Jia., "So should we tell her to go, or..." They all know she's my ex but hindi naman nila alam yung buong story, pero they saw the aftermath of that break up so they're not a fan of hers.
At first, hindi ko alam ang sasabihin, I mean, I know we are in the same school pero sa laki ng Ateneo siguro mga once or twice lang naman kami nagkasalubong dati. We avoided each other and we were successful doing it.
Why do exes have a knack of disappearing when you want them to come back and returning when you've already move on? I mean, nabuhay ba talaga sila para pahirapan ang buhay natin?
"No, I think I'm okay talking to her. I-. Yeah." Bahala na. I think kailangan ko din ito para tuluyan nang maka move on and to have a clean start with Jho, hopefully.
"Are you sure you'll be okay?" Kahit naman lagi nila akong niloloko I know they got my back. Pero I need to do this.
"Yup, I'll be okay." I assured her.
Paglabas ko, nakita ko na agd siya. I don't know when I saw her I just feel sick to my stomach pero kailangan kong malampasan 'to.
"Bei." I would like to tell her na she doesn't have the right to call me that anymore, pero what's the use.
"Hey, what brings you here?"
"Can we talk?"
"Sure, do you want to go somewhere?" She nodded. Since tapos na naman talaga ang training namin, it's alright for me to go out naman, itetext ko na lang si Jia para magpaalam.
"Can we go to our favorite cafe?" Our? As far as I know, it stopped being ours when you left. Now, she's not the first one that comes to my mind when talking about Aly's Cafe. But I nodded anyway.
We were silent hanggang sa makarating kami sa cafe.
"So how are you?" Yun ang unang sinabi niya. So she wants to start with small talk.
"Fine, you?"
"Better now that I'm talking to you." Nag-iwas na lang ako ng tingin.
"What do you want Jana?" She cringed at my direct question.
I guess, hindi ko na kinaya yung small talk, I just want to get this over with as soon as possible.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." She tried to take my hand but of course, iniwas ko.
"I've already heard that. I remember pa nga that's the last thing you told me almost two years ago."
"I know. I know. Alam ko, it doeasn't take away the pain that I've caused you. Pero sana maintindihan mo din Bei, hindi lang ikaw ang nasaktan. Ako din naman ah, akala mo ba ginusto ko na iwanan ka? That was one of the hardest decision I've ever made in my life. It's my family, you know how much I love my family."
"But you still left me. Ni hindi mo man lang ako naipaglaban"
"What was I supposed to do? Tumakas sa kanila kasama ka? We were so young. I was forced to choose, I left, alam ko pagkakamali ko yun. Pero ikaw ba Bea, ipinaglaban mo ako? Did you at least try to fight for me? NO, you didn't, you just gave up just as easily."
Naalala ko naman yung sinabi ni Jho sakin dati.
So I just sighed and said, "You're right, I wasn't entirely blamless, pero it's done."
"What if it's not?" Nagulat ako sa tanong niya.
"I don't understand."
"I've finally told my parents that I'm Bisexual and that it isn't a choice. It is who I am and nobody could change that." I was stunned. But I was also proud and happy at the same time. Between the two of us, she was always the one who refuses to give herself a label. She always tells me, " It doesn't matter, ang alam ko lang mahal kita." But now, seeing her more confident and more free makes me happy.
"Wow, that's great. You don't know how proud I am. Uhm, how did they take it?"
"At first, it was hard. Halos hindi nila ako kinakausap. They ignored that part of myself and it was swept under the rug but then they saw what they were doing to me. So one day they talked to me, like really talked to me, without shouting, without dismissing me. We talked, we cried and then we hugged. They told me that loving me is greater than any moral grounds the society enforced upon us." Tears are falling from her face pero she's smiling.
I know how important this is to her, to be accepted by her family. I never really understood her fear and confusion then, because I had it easier than most. My parents knew before I ever did and they never treated me differently than any child. It was never a big deal for us, I got lucky I guess.
Kaya naman hindi ko na rin napigilang ngumiti at hawakan ang mga kamay niya.
"I'm so proud of you, of how brave you are. I've always knew you could do it. I am really happy for you, Jana. despite whatever happened between us, you deserve this, you deserve a family that accepts and loves you for who you are."
"I did it for you." She whispered and I quickly let go of her hands
"What?"
"I did it for you. I did it for us. Because I still love you. Because I still want you, still want to be with you. 'Till we're gray and old right?" She looks hopeful.
This is what I wanted right? These were the words I was longing to hear. I mean, wala ng problema, kung tanggap na siya ng pamilya niya, I'm sure matatanggap na rin nila kami. Ito na yung happy ending na hinihiling ko dati. Pero...
"Bea...aren't you happy?" Ginawa niya to para sakin, para samin...
"I-I am. I just don't know what to say." I feel overwhelmed. This wasn't what I was expecting at all.
"Just tell me you still love me and that we're going to make this work." Her smile faded when I still didn't answer.
"You-you still love me right?" she asked hesitantly.
"It's been two years, Jana." Yun na lang ang naisagot ko.
"So, no?" Ngayon yung mga luha niya, alam kung hindi dahil sa saya. My heart broke for her,
"No...It just means I need time to process everything. I'm happy for you Jana, really but you can't just erase everything that happened. I-I need to think." I explained.
"OKay, okay. I'll be waiting. I'll wait for you, I'll do anything. I-I love you Bea, so much."
I just nodded and then she left.
She's back. She's here and asking for a second chance...What should I do?
