The Fan (Fillie) //COMPLETED//

Sad Goodbyes

White, fluffy clouds are drifting through the blue sky in random formations. The California countryside zooms past our car. 'Countryside' is an overstatement. It's more like dry grass everywhere. The road is now quiet and bare from cars except us. I rest my head on the palm of my hand and prop my elbow against the side of the car. The car radio is playing 'Havana' by Camila Cabello. I hate this song right now, not because it's a bad song, it's a pretty catchy song, it's just because it didn't match my mood.

I sigh and let go of Finn's hand, who is sitting next to me in the back of the car. I lean toward the front console to the radio, trying not to elbow my mom, who is currently driving and change the radio station. The song that comes out is 'Say Something' by A Great Big World. There. Much better.

I slump back to my seat, slipping my hand back into Finn's hand. I look up at Finn and he smiles at me. I smile back at him. Just seeing him makes me forget what is going on through the world, everything that's weighing me down, everything that's stressing me out. The grief, anger, loneliness, confusion, everything. But nothing can make me forget where we are heading, why we were driving for about two hours now from my home.

I don't know why, but this song always makes me cry. When they sing, it sounds like all their emotions are getting shout out in song. The song can through your mind, taking all your past memories, reminding you on the sad ones, making you cherish the happy memories. But, for some reason, I am not crying. I feel like all my emotions are drained, like I am deprived by everything I need to feel.

Staring into Finn's dark brown eyes, I realize how lucky I am from a lot of people. Friends, good friends and family has been by my side for my whole life and some people can never feel that kind of love. Why am I thinking of this now? This song has some serious affects to me.

I realize the car already went to a stop at the side of the road. I sigh as I see place I've been dreading to go to.

"Come on, Millie. You know we have to go." Finn says to me sympathetically. I sit there for a minute, breathing in and out, getting ready for what is to come.

"I'm ready."

I open the car door and step out. I could hear the ankle-high dry grass crunch under my sandal.

"You guys go ahead. I'll wait." My mom calls out to me.

Finn gets out of the car and sidles next to me, slipping his hand into mine. We walk silently to the rusty metal fence that surrounds the place no one likes to go to. Finn opens the gate for me and I walk through it. Looking down at the ground, I see giant carved stones with writing on them. Finn leads me while I keep staring down at the ground. We finally stop. With all my strength and courage, I look up slightly. There, in front of my eyes, is the thing I dreaded to see.

Here lies

Muhammad Izzat Fahmi

2004 August 31-2018 March 19

"Love The Ones That Need It."

All at once, the emotions crash onto me like a wave onto a beach front. I fall to my knees, landing in front of his gravestone. A stream of tears fall down my cheeks and down to his grave. It was like I built a dam to keep my emotions all in but seeing his grave made cracks in it until it broke.

Why? Why? Why why why why why? The memories start to flood back before I knew it. It all went in a blur.

I was trying to run after the ambulance that just got Izzat. I went outside of the hotel and tried to chase it but someone got me. Finn holding me down as I scream and shout at him to let me go. My mom arriving right when the ambulance left. She was shushing me and rocking me as I cry and cry and cry in her shoulder.

Waiting waiting waiting and even more waiting. Waiting for his surgery to be over. Waiting for the doctors to come out with good news. Waiting in Finn's arms. Waiting in the waiting room. Until finally, a doctor walked out of double doors, looking down. He looked up at me and pulled down his medical face mask. He sighed before shaking his head dejectedly. I fell to the floor like a rock, everything in my body felt heavy.

They had to transport his body to California, using a special airplane from New York. His funeral was four days after his death. Apparently, he died from the lack of blood that was pouring out of the bullet wound. His body was clean from blood in his body. He was wearing  a dark lapel suit in his simple wooden coffin. Finn was always beside me the whole time, holding my hand as I leaned against him for support, thinking I might fall. What saddened me was that his parents didn't even come. When the person who overlooked the funeral asked for his parents, everyone was silent. Only me and Finn knew the reason but we kept our mouth shut.

Right before they lowered his coffin into the ground, I kiss his forehead. I didn't care if people judged me for kissing the dead, I just needed to. Most importantly, I wanted to.

It's already been one year since his death but I'm pouring my tears out like the dam inside my mind is completely destroyed. I see Finn kneel beside me through my blurry vision. He wraps his arms around my waist.

"Millie. Millie. It's okay." he tries to reassure me.

"No it's not! He's dead!  A-And....I'm still here." I miss him, so so much. It feels like all the years of teaching him English got thrown out. All the hours playing video games together. All the times he helped me when I needed his help. I blamed him for so much and I was always wrong.

"Millie," he cups my face with his hand and I look him in the eyes, "it's not your fault. Plus, he would be proud of where you are right now. He would want you to be happy."

He's right. I'm a lot famous now, not because I'm Finn's girlfriend, because I became Eleven in Stranger Things. Emmy got arrested and got sentenced to 30 years in prison for assault, murder, and use of a weapon. After that, The Duffer Brothers were panicking to find a replacement for Emmy, since Season 3 was in the middle of filming. They were super stressed for finding a replacement and handling with the news scandal about Emmy's arrest and murder. A week after Izzat's funeral, Finn suggested me as Eleven. We did a quick audition and I was accepted. 

They had to change the story a bit to explain the sudden change. Their excuse was that Eleven went into a car crash and her face was deformed. I had to wear bandages around my face for 4 episodes until the last episode. That was when I finally reveal my face. My face looked a little different than Emmy's but we got positive reviews from fans, saying I look more beautiful and I acted better than her. The minute I revealed my face, I got to kiss Finn on screen.

So everything is fine, except my best friend was 6 feet under the ground. But I know how he thinks. He wants me to enjoy my life, the one that he risked his life for. His last words, the one he whispered in my ear right before he went unconscious. I could still here his voice clearly, even after one year. Stay with Finn for me. And the words on his gravestone.  "Love The Ones That Need It."

So I stand up, wiping the snot with my sleeve. I give a quick peck on Finn's lips. I need to leave the past and focus on my future. But that doesn't mean I forget it. I pull out my phone and scroll through my music albums  until I found the right song.

"The Lives Of Flies" by Rusty Cage. This is one of the songs Izzat showed to me last year. He said he loves this song because it represents life. Our life is short and we can never know when it will end. Some things in life is underminded and forgotten. How we think that we need certain things when we don't. We listen through the whole song by his grave, swaying against each other.

At the end of the song, we turn around and head to my mom's car, hands intertwined.

The End