The Way Back

Outtake 1

TRIS POV

Have you ever thought that you wanted something, and then when you actually got it, it dawned upon you that you might have been wrong to want it?

Yeah, well, I thought so too.

And now here I am, hyperventilating on the floor in the hallway, dreading to know the answers that lie on the other side of the wall I'm leaning against. Inside that bathroom is a piece of plastic that currently has me panicking and on the verge of passing out.

"Oh, God," I whimper to myself, burying my face in my hands. I wanted this. Oh, I wanted this, and now that I could possibly be pregnant, I'm shaking.

Three months ago, we made the decision. Tobias and I sat down to have the discussion, and he made it clear that he was hoping to start trying for another baby. I was reluctant at first—it had been about two and a half years since my miscarriage—but eventually I agreed. It was going to happen again one day, and it might as well be sooner than later.

It mostly slipped from my mind. Time passed until last week, when I noticed that I was a little late. And since that was the only sign I was really familiar with, I didn't worry about it until I started becoming increasingly nauseous at random times.

So when I went to the town for groceries today, I added a pregnancy test to the cart, avoiding the eyes of the cashier who also happened to be an acquaintance of mine. Then I tried to shove it to the back of my mind as I unpacked the groceries and cleaned up the house. When I thought I was going to burst with nerves, I finally gained the courage to take the test. I thought it was the perfect time to do so with Tobias at work, but now I'm regretting keeping this from him because I'm facing it alone.

The longer I sit here on the ground, the more my doubts creep in. At first it was just a minuscule fear because there is always a possibility that a miscarriage could occur again. I tried not to stress about it, I really did. But then it all built up, with concern upon concern until I couldn't even get up to go check.

What if I really am pregnant? What if it doesn't work out? I never found out what the cause of my miscarriage was; the same thing that happened to Rose could easily happen again.

God, I can't lose another baby.

Letting out a sob at the thought, I curl up tighter to block out the world. When my crying is silent for a moment, I hear a shout from the other room.

"Tris, I'm home early!" Tobias calls.

I clamp a hand over my mouth so that he won't be able to hear where I am. The last thing I wanted right now is for him to come home and find me like this.

The reaction is foolish. Who am I kidding? I need him.

So I gather my strength and push myself up onto my feet, placing a hand on the wall to steady myself. Taking a deep breath so that I won't be so dizzy, I stumble out into the connected kitchen and living room with my arms wrapped around my midsection.

He meets my red, irritated eyes with a smile that immediately drops. "Hey, what's wrong?" he asks, rushing forward to pull me into his arms.

"I-I took a t-test," I stutter in between my sniffling. "I don't know what it says or what I want it to say—"

"Okay, hold on a minute," he says. "Breathe."

I close my eyes and take a cleansing breath in before releasing it. I don't feel so heavy anymore with him here, but none of my problems have been solved.

"Let's get you a glass of water, and then you can tell me what's going on. All right?"

Nodding, I sit down on a dining chair and wait for him. He fills up a glass with ice water and sets it down in front of me before taking a seat himself. After I take a few sips, I tell him as calmly as possible, "I think I'm pregnant."

His eyebrows raise, and I want to kick myself when I see him fighting off a grin. I shouldn't trouble him with my insecurities when he wanted this so much. I shouldn't make him feel bad about his joy.

"And you're not happy," he infers. "Why?"

With tears blurring my vision, I say, "I'm really scared that I'm going to lose the baby again."

He is quiet for a moment. "Did you take a test?"

"Yes." I trace the rim of the glass so I won't have to look at him anymore. It is only conflicting my emotions even more. "It's in the bathroom. I haven't looked yet."

"Okay, I don't understand though. If it's positive...well, you're not seriously going to consider getting rid of it, right?"

I scoff at his suggestion. "No, Tobias. Why the hell would I do that?"

As much as I am terrified, I would never take an innocent life, not even if I didn't want the baby. It wouldn't make sense either. Why would I kill someone who I don't want to die? That is the whole reason why I am in this position in the first place.

Tobias shakes his head. "I didn't think you would. I'm just saying, if it is positive, then there's nothing to do anyway," he clarifies. After a brief pause, he continues, "I thought you wanted a baby."

I bite my lip. "I do. More than anything."

"You're just scared that he or she won't make it."

I nod, silent tears leaking down my cheeks.

He sighs. "Well," he says. "Let's think through this. You may have lost Rose in the plane crash, right? Most likely that's what happened."

I agree.

"Nothing like that will happen again, so there's no need to worry."

But he is wrong. "What if that crash did internal damage?" I mumble. "What if there is something wrong with me and I don't know it? What if it could affect our next baby?"

"Then we get you checked out at the hospital," he suggests. "We could have the doctors keep a close eye on you. I don't think we'll need it, but we can do that if you'd like."

I bury my face in my hands in defeat. Logically I know that he is right, but I can't get past the empty feeling of holding my first daughter in my arms after I lost her.

"Hey," he murmurs. "We're not going to lose another baby, okay? I believe it. And I'll do everything in my power to make sure that it doesn't happen again."

It does help a little, but I need more from him. So I rise from my chair and move to sit on his lap, wrapping my arms around his neck tightly. With my face hidden in his shoulder, I let the rest of my tears out as he whispers promises that I'm not sure he can keep, but they pacify me.

"How about we go check?" he suggests. "You could be worried over nothing."

I stand up on shaky legs in response because I just can't bring myself to speak right now. Holding out his hand to me, he leads me to the bathroom so that we can find out the truth.

"Ready?" he asks when we are in the doorway.

"Can you look?" I croak.

He nods and gives my hand a squeeze before letting go of it. Upon entering the bathroom, he takes a deep breath and picks up the plastic stick on the counter. I try to read his face, but it is blank for a moment.

"Tobias?" I can't wait any longer. I need to know.

He turns to me with tears gathering in his eyes, disbelief written on his face. "I-I'm going to be a dad?" he gasps with the widest smile I've ever seen him wear.

Most of my doubts get washed away when I see the utter excitement and ecstasy in his dark eyes. For a second I see a flash of a child with those same eyes, and then I jump into his arms because even though my heart is pounding with fear, it is also pounding with overwhelming happiness.

"We're going to have a baby," he laughs against my neck.

"Yeah," I say simply with a grin growing on my face. "We're going to be parents."

And for some reason, I know that this time it will all work out.