Finishing Crazy

Finishing Crazy (6)

I’m told that I can leave the hospital tomorrow. Chemotherapy starts in three days.

How in the world did this happen to me? Haven’t I had enough pain with three of my closest family members dying? Haven’t I experienced enough sorrow for the rest of my teenage years?

I’ve always hated seeing people in pain, but I never expected things to be reversed. I always have thought that that people will eventually leave me. Not because they want to, but simply because that’s the way things have been for a long time now. People move. They get sick. Some die.

I have cancer.

I keep on saying this to myself over and over again until the reality of it sinks in. The more I say it, the less surreal it seems, and the more I want to just give up and start crying hysterically.

If I started bawling right here, right now, no one would blame me. I’m probably going to die- who wouldn’t cry? I ask myself. I know I can’t though. I’m going to stay strong. When I cry, it will be at home, in my closet or at Laguna park in the middle of the night when no one’s ever there.

“Kyra?” I hear someone’s gentle voice, accompanied by a knock on the door.

I don’t even know why I’m doing it, but I can feel myself getting out of my bed and heading for Bryan, who’s waiting for my permission to enter at the door.

Without thinking about it, I throw my arms around him and feel his strong, steady ones wrap around me in reply. My eyes are stinging, and before I know it, the tears are spilling from me like they never have before.

So much for not crying, I think with a sigh.

Bryan picks up on my distress and I feel his arms begin to move up and down my back, massaging me slowly. It feels so indescribably good that I hang onto him even tighter, not wanting him to stop.

We stand there in silence for what must be at least fifteen minutes before I feel him scoop me up and carry me to my bed, laying me down and smiling at me with sympathy. Surprised, I see tears pooling in his eyes. I never noticed how green they were before, and I lay there fixated on them, entranced, as he reaches out his hand to wipe away the tears streaming non-stop down my face.

“I’m going to die, Bryan.” I whisper.

I see a tear falling down his face, and I sit up so that I can wipe it away. When I touch his cheek, his hand catches mine and holds it there for a second before he brings it down.

“I won’t let you die, Kyra.” He whispers back.

I suddenly realize how close we are and back up a little.

He sighs and lets go of my hand.

“There are ways to beat this Kyra. There’s chemo. You’re going to get a new kidney, I just know it. Why in the world would God let anything else bad happen to you?”

I wrinkly my brow. “I didn’t expect you to sound so religious.” I say, before I can stop myself.

“I know. I’m usually more conservative, but I just thought you needed to hear it.”

“Do you mean it, though?” I ask him seriously.

“I do.”

I pause for a moment. “What if it’s my time to go? I’m just one of those tragic stories where some kid who had a lot of pain in her life got to end it short.” I say bitterly.

Bryan seemed confused. “Kyra, why are you thinking like this? It’s not like you. You’re the girl that everyone at school thinks is crazy ambitious. Don’t give up.” He says.