Shattering Secrets [2]

Nine

   My eyes go wide in shock , and my whole body goes numb. His eyes are closed, his forehead touching mine. My heart no longer racing , but almost still. "What did you say?" I whisper , pushing away from him.

   His eyes open , and he released his grip on my wrist. "I love you" he says again.

"How do you know what Love is?" I whisper , my eyes landing on his. "You don't know what Love even is" my body, so numb from his words , makes my legs work even harder for me to stand.

   "How can you say that?"

   "You don't know what Love is. I think you've lost touch with the word a long time ago Finnick"

   My words have hurt him, and I can see it very clearly in his eyes. His shoulders slump , and his hands fall to the sand, fingers intertwined with the wetness of the sand. His lips are turned down in a frown, and his eyebrows burrow together. "I know what Love is , Coral. I care deeply for you"

   "No, you don't. If you did you wouldn't go back to the Capitol when they call. You'd stay and fight for those you care about. You'd stay and fight for yourself. You'd open up to those around you. How are you to love me when you can't even love yourself?" He snaps his head up to look at me , no longer sad but confused.

   "Do you love yourself Coral?"

   "No, so how am I supposed to love you, if you even loved me back?" His head slowly falls and nods. I've hurt him. More then ever before , and I can't ever take that back. He doesn't love me. He doesn't love anyone. When I was younger and saw him on the small television that my parents had, I thought he loved himself, I thought he was full of only himself. Meeting him and getting to know small parts of him, I've learned to know that he doesn't love himself. He hates himself.

{~}

   "Coral?" A small knock sounds at my door, and I lift my head up from my pillow. I should have been asleep , but today is the Reaping. Every time I closed my eyes, I was back to the first Reaping, to the horrors of it, the horrors of the first time I was in the Arena and what had been done to my brother.

   "Come in" I say, and Alessandra comes in and sighs.

   "You haven't slept have you dear?" I shake my head against my pillow. She sits down at the end of my bed and sighs again. "Me either" she gives a soft laugh "I don't think any of us have slept"

   I sit up and look at her, she looks tired , heavy bags under her eyes , her skin starting to wrinkle. Lack of sleep has turned her old. "I don't want to go" I say. "I just want to sit here, with you, and just sit. Just take life in and be still for a while. I want our lives to be normal again"

   That makes her laugh , and she's up on her feet fixing her hair. "Nothing in the world is normal. Look around you. What is normal about anything?" Taking my blankets , she throws them off of me and helps me stand. "I don't want to do anything either today. I don't even want today to be today. I don't want you to even step foot on top of that stage, but rules are rules."

   "Right..what do you have for me today? Please nothing extravagant"

   "No , a simple outfit today. Black pants , a black long sleeve turtleneck, with an ocean blue jacket to go over top"

   "That sounds perfect"

   "How are you and Finnick?" The question throws me off guard and I just look at my feet.

   "We hate each other"

   "Oh" is all she says and then rushes me into the bathroom to get showered and changed. She let me sleep in today , so we didn't have much time to get ready. No styling team this round , and no makeup team either. I don't mind that at all. I would have been met by loud chatter and agonizing questions that I wouldn't want to answer.

   "He doesn't hate you" Alessandra says brushing out my wet hair. "He doesn't hate you one bit"

   "I hate him" I say picking at my nails.

   "No you don't. You don't hate him one bit. You think you hate him , when that hate is actually misunderstood feelings and discomfort. He proclaimed his love to you. You felt uneasy and uncomfortable. You don't hate him , you hate him for the soul fact that he hates himself. And he hates you for the soul fact that you hate yourself. But you don't hate one another as people"

   "No, Alessandra that's where you're wrong. I hate him. He doesn't care about us. He wouldn't go back to the capital all the time and leave us here alone. If he loved me he wouldn't sleep with other people. I hate him. If someone loves someone , they wouldn't go and sleep with another. That's not how love works"

   "It's not his choice whether he has to go back or not. Not only his life but ours are at stake if he doesn't. One day you will understand fully , and then that day maybe your harsh feelings towards him will go away."

   "I hate him"

   "He keeps us safe. He's giving up his own safety for us. If that's not love , I don't know what is"

   "He doesn't love me"

   "No dear , you just don't love yourself. It's hard for you to see anyone else could love you because you can't see over the hatred that you have for yourself."