his shield

025

it has been one week since the failed assassination attempt on jeonghan. surprisingly he hasn't brought it up at all.

i've seen him four times since. he is acting like nothing happened. i can't help but think that maybe he is planning something.

i haven't seen jaehwan all week. i haven't been able to muster up the courage to see him after i failed.

he hasn't been in danger surprisingly so i haven't had to save him.

he doesn't even know but i feel as though i don't have the right to see him.

i don't have much time left and i had an opportunity to give myself an eternity yet i failed.

hongbin hasn't spoken to me for two days. i think he believes that i purposely failed so i could die.

he thinks that i want to die again.

yes i have been careless about keeping myself 'alive' but i don't want to die again.

i am love and i don't want to lose that again.
i've already lost it twice. twice it has been ripped from my grasp.

there is a soft knock on the door and i know that it's taeyong before i look up.

he has been really hesitant around me since i failed. i don't know what he is thinking.

all i know is that he does sense my pain and i think that maybe, just maybe he feels sorry for me.

"how are you feeling?" the recently dyed hair kid asks as he sits beside me on my bed.

he became visible and went to a hairdresser to dye his hair. the green suits him. it took a couple of days for me to get used to it but after getting past the 'wow that's green, my eyes' stage you realise how good it looks.

"as well as a person with a one month life sentence can be" i chuckle softly and he just smiles sadly.

"what about you? jaehyun?" i direct the attention to him. he sighs and leans back on the bed so he is laying down, his feet still touching the floor.

"jaehyun is happy. he and yuta are happy. although each night, i've noticed that jaehyun cries whilst yuta lays in his arms. he only does it when the older is asleep so he doesn't worry him i guess. i don't know why he cries but i can only assume that it's because it brings back memories of me when he is with him. but that's selfish of me to think that."

"you didn't answer the most important question" i state and turn to make eye contact. "how are you feeling?"

"ah" he moves his gaze to the ceiling and i can see him trying to blink away his tears.

"i miss him. i still miss him more then anything. i know i'm meant to be strong but it's hard. it's so hard knowing that he can't see me or talk to me and i see him everyday and night. it breaks my heart to think that even though he has found love again, his heart breaks at night because of me. my heart hearts wonshik. to be honest i am not great currently. my physical health is A okay but my mind is barely holding on."

i lie down beside the younger and stare at the ceiling beside him.

"you want to know something?" i question softly and he hums in agreement.

"you'll get through this. as much as it doesn't look like it right now, you will get through this and so will jaehyun. i know because i did after i left hani and mai behind. it took me 100 years but it took hani 2. mai was young so it only took a few months. it took me 10 years to get over taekwoon. sometimes i feel as though i'm not over it but deep down i know i am. i don't break down at the mention of his name anymore. and i have found live again. please believe me when i say this taeyong."