Winter Snow

December 21st

December 21st. 

I really cant stand this. I know ive told you this a thousand times, but i really can not. Its almost your birthday. I cant stand the thought that i cant see you turn 23 years old. I cant kiss you to wake you up that morning. I cant make you breakfest in bed like i do. I cant take you out to a wonderful dinner. I cant give you the amazing gift i was plaining  on getting you. 

Im not going to be able to see you on Christmas morning either? I cant give you a christmast gift or kisses or take you to see my family with me. You didnt even get to see your family for their christmas party Louis, and im so sorry for that. It kills me knowing that. 

Louis, the last thing we talked about. It kills me to think about it. You were asking me to go with you. I can not believe i didnt go. God Louis why didnt you make me go? Maybe then it couldve been me, instead of you. Though, i wouldnt want to ever put you through what im going through right now. This pain. 

To be honest its not only emotional, its phycial and mental. Everyone is worried about me Louis. Everyone. Even i am. I have no idea how im going to get through this, the answer is, im not. I can not live without you and it will never be right, or okay, or happy ever again You were the smile to my face and now you're gone and you took my happiness with you. 

But thats not you fault Love.

Zayn came over yesterday, thats who was at the door. Niall told him i was here alone and he came to check on me. We didnt say much really. I took him downstairs with me to find that Niall does have a piano down there. We sat and played. No talking, no singing, just played. I've never been very good at the piano but i am trying, for you. Ive been down here all day, and all night. 

Niall doesnt complain he told me he cant hear it from upstairs so he doesnt care if im up at 5 am playing. Im coming up with some things you might like. I hope you like it anyways. 

~Harry Tomlinson