storms and blood

twenty five

There's homework left in my backpack to do
But I lay here and cry instead
I cry so hard and so silently for a long long time. My pillow case is soaked and my body is shaking.
I was showering when all my random thoughts came together like puzzle pieces. They came together to form you. Nothing else entered my mind except the life I could have had with you. How life could've been with you still here, with me, instead of sleeping you're eternal slumber. How different life would be. Would it even be better? The same cycle of things always seem to play out in the end.
I wish you could see how this has affected me. It's okay. Its okay. don't you dare feel sorry for me. I'm okay.
I don't think about it all the time but when I do, it's so terrible. Because I hate you. But I really don't hate you. How can you hate somebody that has never walked into my life because his feet have stopped touching the earth.
My mom says it's selfish, what you did. That you weren't thinking about anything but yourself. Why does she say that!? It's not selfish. It isn't. It isn't right but it is most definently not selfish.
And of course you were thinking about other things other than you. You were thinking about yourself and you were thinking about doing it for a very long time, then something made you snap. You just couldn't take it anymore. And of course you were thinking about us. My mom and me. You were of course thinking how it would impact us. OF COURSE YOU WERE!  You knew you still had a family but you couldnt take it and i forgive you! Of course i forgive you! Of course i do. I thought i hated you but i cant hate somebody ive never had the chance to meet. Because you were gone, two weeks before i was born.