The Lilac Horizon Between a Blue Sky and a Red Earth

Pent Up

Katara sets the scroll in place on the nightstand, careful not to wake Zuko. She thinks he is beautiful when he sleeps, and she'd love to wait a minute longer, but she has to leave now lest she's discovered.
She makes her way down the hall and into the nursery, where she stands silently over Kyza's crib for a moment, saying her goodbyes.
Zuko wakes with a start, his bed all too empty.
He finds the scroll, partly unrolled.
I'm sorry, Zuko, it reads. I'm sorry I couldn't tell you, but I have to go. Please don't worry about me, I promise I'll-
The letters are cut off. Zuko is already sprinting down the hallway, his heartbreak well underway. Of course it's a scroll. It's always a scroll.
He sees Katara, hooded and well disguised, making her way toward the servant's closet with the secret stairwell. He approaches, heart heavy, watching her glide silently down the hallway with every intention of leaving.
Katara looks on into the dark hallway. She takes a deep breath, her steps muted by the rug underfoot, wondering how Zuko will take the news when he wakes up.
Then, long fingers wrap around her wrist, efficiently restraining her. Zuko stands there, his face warped with emotion and some sort of silent reservation.
"Zuko!" Katara gasps.
"You're leaving me?" he whispers.
He looks so sad. Katara frowns. She never thought it would take such a toll on him.
"I'm so sorry, Zuko, but I have to."
He releases her wrist. "Was it something I did?"
His voice is quiet with a desperate resolve. He looks as though he might cry.
"Zuko, I-"
"Katara, you know I can't take care of our daughter by myself. I'm lost without you. I need you."
"You'll have to find a way, Zuko, I'm sorry. I wish I could give you a better way. Maybe ask Iroh."
"Why can't you? Did I really fuck up that bad? Am I just not good enough for you?"
She realizes that he must not have read the scroll.
"Zuko, I'm not-"
"It's always a fucking scroll. But I deserved it, didn't I? I thought you were better than me. I thought that you would have had the guts to at least tell me to my face. What about our marriage? What about our daughter? I don't even think I would have ended a relationship this way if all this were at stake. Even at sixteen. I mean...what about our daughter?"
"You didn't read my message all the way, did you?"
"Do I have to? It said right at the top you were leaving. How much more is there to understand?"
"That I'll only be gone for a couple days."
He heaves a sigh of relief. Thank Agni, she plans to return.
"Where are you going?"
Katara bites her lip.
"Aang's funeral is tomorrow."
"Oh."
There's a long pause.
"I'm sorry I couldn't tell you, Zuko."
"Why? Why run away?"
"Because I knew you would want to come with me, but-"
"But I wasn't invited," he mutters, eyes reverting to the ground. "I understand now."
"And you need to run your country. And someone needs to care for Kyza. I can't bring her there. I can't bring the new Avatar to the funeral of the former."
"Why lie to me, Katara?"
"I was only trying to preserve your honor."
"Is it honorable for me to wake up alone and find out via scroll that my wife has abandoned me and our child?"
"Abandonment?" she is visibly offended. "I would never abandon-"
"Then what the hell was it, Katara?"
"I wish I could tell you. But you just wouldn't get it. You'd misunderstand, and it would drive us apart-"
"What? About the funeral?"
"I have to go, Zuko. I have to pay my respects, and say thank you. And..."
"And?"
"And I didn't want you to think that I-"
"That you still have feelings for Aang?"
Another long pause.
"Do you?"
Katara dashes away a lone tear.
"Is it so wrong that I miss him?" she asks.
"I miss him, too."
"I feel so guilty. I feel like this is somehow my fault."
"How?"
She turns her back abruptly, her palms pressing into her eyes.
"There's something I never told you."
Zuko waits. She inhales shakily.
"I received a letter from someone at the Southern Air Temple. Someone named Beyping. He warned me of Aang's condition and I never told you. I planned to visit him after I gave birth, but then we found out about Kyza and..."
"You knew Aang was dying?"
"The nomad who wrote it was difficult to understand. I didn't know he was dying. I knew he wasn't well. I can't help but feel like if I had gone and seen him earlier that his death could have been prevented. I could have done something. I'm a healer, I could have..."
Her voice decrescendos into a sob. Zuko embraces her in silence.
"We'll go together, okay?"
"I don't think that's a good idea. Beyping wrote only to me."
"It may be because Aang only spoke of you. You forget he still loved you. Me, though. I can only assume he never mentioned my name, and if he did, I'm not optimistic enough to assume he spoke highly of me. This nomad who invited you may not even know I exist."
"But what if you aren't welcome in the Air Temples?"
"Then I will go, attempt to right my wrongs, and leave if asked. It is the honorable thing to do. Aang was my best friend once. And I truly believe it was him who saved my daughter's life. I owe him everything."
"What about your country?"
"Uncle has looked after it before. My advisors are trustworthy and my uncle is wise. I'll send for him now."
"And Kyza?"
"She'll have to come. If she is the Avatar, then we must choose her future Airbending teacher."